(Because Elliott is chronically unable to adhere to deadlines and feels intensely guilty about it, welcome to a brand new feature of Song of the Daffodil: Fun With Covers!)
This was the cover I grew up with, and honestly, from a purely nostalgic standpoint, I think it still looks awesome. From a standpoint of a person who has eyes and uses them for seeing, I think that little yellow marquee makes it look as though The Woman Who Rides Like A Man is a new Broadway musical featuring songs by Elton John.
A more recent reprint, in which Farrah Fawcett waves are apparently the biggest trend to hit the Great Southern Desert.
An older cover in which everything looks very Lawrence of Arabia and Moonlight seems to have gone for a dye job.
Yet another old one. Faithful is the size of a large dog, and Moonlight has once again been to the salon. So has Alanna, judging by her mom hair. Dude in the background is like, "Comb that shit out and reset it, girl."
Alanna just got back from a Barbarella audition, for which she borrowed Moonlight's leg warmers. Not pictured: Faithful. Definitely pictured: Hilarity.
This is the edition currently for sale at the local bookstore, and every time I see it I start cackling gleefully. Alanna has capsleeves and wears low-rise jeans! The ember-stone is a pretty green necklace! Jon and George are doing their best Edward and Jacob impressions in the background! And the text looks like someone tried to make a blingee and the screen froze. Favourite cover of all time.
Who remembers The
Horse and His Boy, that Narnia book that was set in the desert empire of
Calormene? The one about a Northern-born
orphan who turned out to be a long-lost prince?
Man, that was my favourite book when I was a kid. Then I grew up and realized that it was about
how a bunch of nice rich white people are threatened by the mean, evil,
Satan-worshipping brown people in the south (except for Aravis, and she’s only
okay because she leaves Calormene and accepts Aslan into her heart, and by the
way Aslan is Jesus for those of you who slept through that lecture). And, well, I realized it was no longer my
favourite.
As an adult, I think I can say with confidence that The Woman Who Rides Like a Man is pretty
racist. It is not as bad as The Horse and His Boy because damn,
Satan-worshipping, hard to top that. But
it is still pretty racist, and the depiction of the Bazhir is pretty
cringe-worthy, and I think that recapping this is gonna be a long, awkward,
potentially infuriating ride for all of us.
Let’s try to power through it. Lioness Rampant is coming next, we all
like that one, right?
At the end of In the
Hand of the Goddess, Alanna and Coram were leaving Corus to bum around the
Great Southern Desert, because Alanna is in fact that kid you knew in
university who went to Europe for a year after graduating to “find
herself.” Months later, Alanna and
Coram are still bumming around the Great Southern Desert. Apparently she hasn’t found herself yet. What she has found: raiders! A bunch of hillmen (presumably dudes who live
in the hills? it doesn’t really elaborate) are charging all up in their
business, and Alanna and Coram need to fight them. Worst vacation ever.
There is fighting, and Alanna gets into it with this one
bulky dude with a weird-looking crystal sword.
Amidst the kerfuffle, he uses said sword to break Lightning, and Alanna
just loses her shit and goes after him with an axe. Luckily a few Bazhir riders show up at that
very moment to shoot the hillmen, because that fight was getting boring. Alanna looks at the crystal sword and has a
vision of a pole and a crazy bro shouting nonsense. So apparently she is still having visions
sometimes. Good to know. She grabs the ember-stone and realizes that
the crystal sword is full of orange fire.
She picks up Lightning, which is in two pieces, and turns to face the
Bazhir.
The headman, a gentleman by the name of Halef Seif, tells
her that they are of the tribe the Bloody Hawk and that she and Coram are
trespassing. Alanna tries to do the “in
the name of the King” thing, but the Bloody Hawk are one of the (many) Bazhir
tribes that do not recognize the King’s authority so it doesn’t really
work. He then says that he cannot think
well of a king who is so weak that he uses women as warriors, and it all looks
like it’s going to end in very bad things when one of the other riders
recognizes her.
“She is the one!” he exclaimed. “Halef, she is the Burning-Brightly One!” “Speak on, Gammal,” Halef ordered. The huge warrior was bowing as low to Alanna as his saddle
would permit. “Would you remember me?”
he asked hopefully. “I was at the smallest west gate in the stone village that
northerners call Persopolis. It was six
rainy seasons ago. Your master, the
Blue-Eyed One, bought my silence with a gold coin.” Remembering, Alanna grinned.
“Of course! And you spat on the
coin and bit it.” The big man looked at his chief. “She is the one! She came with the Blue-Eyed Prince, the Night
One, and they freed us from the Black City!”
I am posting this exchange not only to illustrate how Alanna
manages to avoid being summarily executed, but so y’all can see how
cringe-worthy the Bazhir’s dialogue is.
They all sound like a mixture of Arabian
Nights outtakes and Tonto. Yeesh.
The Bloody Hawk shaman, a brosef named Akhnan Ibn Nazzir,
objects, saying that the Night One and the Burning-Brightly One were taken into
the sky in a chariot of fire. Gamal
objects, they start fighting, and Coram is really, really over it. Halef Seif tells Alanna that she is welcome
to stay with the Bloody Hawk for the night, and she accepts, because if she
doesn’t she will likely get shot.
Alanna and Coram are taken to a guest tent and served by
three young members of the tribe, Kara, Kourrem, and Ishak. They are psyched about Alanna’s eyes and cat
and general novelty, but also say that Akhnan Ibn Nazzir is sure that she will
corrupt them. Alanna and Coram can both
tell that the shaman is going to make trouble for them; Alanna, ever the
pragmatist, decides to take a nap until such time as she can do something about
it.
When she wakes up, it’s nearly evening, and the village is
oddly still. Ishak, who is still kicking
around, says that all of the adults in the tribe are communing with the Voice
(on which more later). He also asks if
Alanna is a sorceress, saying that he himself has the Gift and wants to be
trained. Alanna, still a little freaked
by the whole recent evil duke/magic doll/duel to the death thing, tells him
that she knows “nothing of magic” and that the Gift “leads only to pain and
death.” She gets dressed in her fancy
going-out chainmail while Faithful tells her that while she napped the shaman
asked the three young people what she had of value.
She joins the Bloody Hawk at the fire, at which point Halef
Seif says that there are two opinions as to what should be done with her: half
of the tribe says she should be put to death for being Northern and uppity,
while the other says she should be welcomed as a sacred guest. Seif himself opines that she should be
invited to single combat to prove herself.
The debate goes back and forth, with Alanna feeling impressed by the
Bazhir’s dedication to free speech and expression. They mention the mysterious Voice again, and
Alanna’s as confused about it as Mark Wahlberg is by, like, the world.
Unsurprisingly, Akhnan Ibn Nazzir sides with the people
saying she should be put to death. He
later switches to side with those who believe she should be tried in combat,
saying that the gods will honour whoever kills her. Alanna calls him on this and on his interest
in her possessions, prompting Halef Seif to admit that one third of what she
owns would go to the shaman in the event of her death.
They eventually vote on the issue, and single combat wins
out.
Will Alanna win the respect of the Bloody Hawk? What’s the deal with the orange fire and the
crystal sword, that’s a Roger thing, right?
Why wasn’t this recap funny, are you sick or something? (Answer: yes.) Find out next time in CHAPTER TWO: THE BLOODY
HAWK, OR, ALANNA FIGHTS A DUDE, HAS A SWORD-RELATED TEMPER TANTRUM, AND MEETS
AN OLD FRIEND.
