FUN WITH COVERS: IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS

I love that the Random House covers always tried to make Alanna a little ~sexay, even though she's supposed to be passing as a dude.  Here they do this by adding eye shadow, a leather mini skirt, and what seem to be orange water wings.  Hot.

Psycho!Alanna appears again and knows exactly what you just said about her.  Just back away, kids.  Back slowwwwly away.

 I have nothing bad to say about this cover, shockingly enough.  It's simple but well-done, the colours and fonts work well, and the whole piece has a tense, expectant feel that makes the book seem a lot more exciting than it ultimately proves to be.  I also really enjoy that Alanna's gripping the ember-stone.  It's a nice detail.  A+, whoever made this.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS.  Alanna is dressed for Jazzercise and fighting a dude who I think is supposed to be Roger.  (Remember that climactic fight they had in his workroom?  No?  Me neither.)  She seems to have either a mullet or a single poorly-placed pigtail.  Also, check that tagline!  "She would fight to the death to save her prince!"  That is what these books are actually about, everyone: sacrificing yourself for your man.

Ghostly lady hands seem to be a recurring motif in these covers.  Alanna looks like an anguished homosexual gentleman from the fifties.

And, finally, the most recent cover.  Alanna is once again striking a sexy teen pose, while Moonlight has clearly decided that brunettes have more fun.

FUN WITH COVERS: ALANNA: THE FIRST ADVENTURE

Alanna appears to be in the Colusseum.  Her shirt reminds me of the part of Anne of Green Gables where Anne gets near-homicidal over those goddamn puffed sleeves.

One of the special edition covers.  My favourite thing about this one is Alanna's hat, not only because it makes her look like Allan a Dale but because the button has an 'a' on it.  You know, just in case she forgets her name.

Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn defeat the Ysandir, keep frogs in their pockets.

This... well, this is one of the most unsettling things I've seen in a long time.  Alanna looks like a cross between Billy Corgan with pink eye and one of the Children of the Damned.  Does she lack the capacity to love?  Will this kid send you to the cornfield if you think bad thoughts?  Do we really want to give her access to weapons???

In which Alanna and Jon both look like Swedish lesbians.

 I love this one because it feels like the artist just kind of gave up.  "So this is a book about a magical crossdressing chick with purple eyes who fights demons?  What is the least ridiculous thing I can- you know what?  Fuck it.  I'll draw a sword."

This is either a legit French cover or some bullshit someone made on the Internet.  Due to the art style, it looks less like a book and more like Final Fantasy XXVVVIII: Here's A Goddamn Castle.

 Again, this is the cover currently gracing my local book store.  Note the blingee font again, and the fact that they tried to sex up a probably-eleven-year-old Alanna.  Sadly MIA: capsleeves, love triangle.

FUN WITH COVERS: THE WOMAN WHO RIDES LIKE A MAN

(Because Elliott is chronically unable to adhere to deadlines and feels intensely guilty about it, welcome to a brand new feature of Song of the Daffodil: Fun With Covers!)

This was the cover I grew up with, and honestly, from a purely nostalgic standpoint, I think it still looks awesome.  From a standpoint of a person who has eyes and uses them for seeing, I think that little yellow marquee makes it look as though The Woman Who Rides Like A Man is a new Broadway musical featuring songs by Elton John.

A more recent reprint, in which Farrah Fawcett waves are apparently the biggest trend to hit the Great Southern Desert.

An older cover in which everything looks very Lawrence of Arabia and Moonlight seems to have gone for a dye job.

Yet another old one.  Faithful is the size of a large dog, and Moonlight has once again been to the salon.  So has Alanna, judging by her mom hair.  Dude in the background is like, "Comb that shit out and reset it, girl."

Alanna just got back from a Barbarella audition, for which she borrowed Moonlight's leg warmers.  Not pictured: Faithful.  Definitely pictured: Hilarity.

 This is the edition currently for sale at the local bookstore, and every time I see it I start cackling gleefully.  Alanna has capsleeves and wears low-rise jeans!  The ember-stone is a pretty green necklace!  Jon and George are doing their best Edward and Jacob impressions in the background!  And the text looks like someone tried to make a blingee and the screen froze.  Favourite cover of all time.

THE WOMAN WHO RIDES LIKE A MAN, CHAPTER ONE: THE WOMAN WHO RIDES LIKE A MAN, OR, A TITLE THAT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME SNICKER LIKE A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY

Who remembers The Horse and His Boy, that Narnia book that was set in the desert empire of Calormene?  The one about a Northern-born orphan who turned out to be a long-lost prince?  Man, that was my favourite book when I was a kid.  Then I grew up and realized that it was about how a bunch of nice rich white people are threatened by the mean, evil, Satan-worshipping brown people in the south (except for Aravis, and she’s only okay because she leaves Calormene and accepts Aslan into her heart, and by the way Aslan is Jesus for those of you who slept through that lecture).  And, well, I realized it was no longer my favourite.  

As an adult, I think I can say with confidence that The Woman Who Rides Like a Man is pretty racist.  It is not as bad as The Horse and His Boy because damn, Satan-worshipping, hard to top that.  But it is still pretty racist, and the depiction of the Bazhir is pretty cringe-worthy, and I think that recapping this is gonna be a long, awkward, potentially infuriating ride for all of us.  Let’s try to power through it.  Lioness Rampant is coming next, we all like that one, right?

At the end of In the Hand of the Goddess, Alanna and Coram were leaving Corus to bum around the Great Southern Desert, because Alanna is in fact that kid you knew in university who went to Europe for a year after graduating to “find herself.”   Months later, Alanna and Coram are still bumming around the Great Southern Desert.  Apparently she hasn’t found herself yet.  What she has found: raiders!  A bunch of hillmen (presumably dudes who live in the hills? it doesn’t really elaborate) are charging all up in their business, and Alanna and Coram need to fight them.  Worst vacation ever.

There is fighting, and Alanna gets into it with this one bulky dude with a weird-looking crystal sword.  Amidst the kerfuffle, he uses said sword to break Lightning, and Alanna just loses her shit and goes after him with an axe.  Luckily a few Bazhir riders show up at that very moment to shoot the hillmen, because that fight was getting boring.  Alanna looks at the crystal sword and has a vision of a pole and a crazy bro shouting nonsense.  So apparently she is still having visions sometimes.  Good to know.  She grabs the ember-stone and realizes that the crystal sword is full of orange fire.  She picks up Lightning, which is in two pieces, and turns to face the Bazhir.

The headman, a gentleman by the name of Halef Seif, tells her that they are of the tribe the Bloody Hawk and that she and Coram are trespassing.  Alanna tries to do the “in the name of the King” thing, but the Bloody Hawk are one of the (many) Bazhir tribes that do not recognize the King’s authority so it doesn’t really work.  He then says that he cannot think well of a king who is so weak that he uses women as warriors, and it all looks like it’s going to end in very bad things when one of the other riders recognizes her.

“She is the one!” he exclaimed.  “Halef, she is the Burning-Brightly One!”
“Speak on, Gammal,” Halef ordered.
The huge warrior was bowing as low to Alanna as his saddle would permit.  “Would you remember me?” he asked hopefully. “I was at the smallest west gate in the stone village that northerners call Persopolis.  It was six rainy seasons ago.  Your master, the Blue-Eyed One, bought my silence with a gold coin.”
Remembering, Alanna grinned.  “Of course!  And you spat on the coin and bit it.”
The big man looked at his chief.  “She is the one!  She came with the Blue-Eyed Prince, the Night One, and they freed us from the Black City!”

I am posting this exchange not only to illustrate how Alanna manages to avoid being summarily executed, but so y’all can see how cringe-worthy the Bazhir’s dialogue is.  They all sound like a mixture of Arabian Nights outtakes and Tonto.  Yeesh.

The Bloody Hawk shaman, a brosef named Akhnan Ibn Nazzir, objects, saying that the Night One and the Burning-Brightly One were taken into the sky in a chariot of fire.  Gamal objects, they start fighting, and Coram is really, really over it.  Halef Seif tells Alanna that she is welcome to stay with the Bloody Hawk for the night, and she accepts, because if she doesn’t she will likely get shot.

Alanna and Coram are taken to a guest tent and served by three young members of the tribe, Kara, Kourrem, and Ishak.  They are psyched about Alanna’s eyes and cat and general novelty, but also say that Akhnan Ibn Nazzir is sure that she will corrupt them.  Alanna and Coram can both tell that the shaman is going to make trouble for them; Alanna, ever the pragmatist, decides to take a nap until such time as she can do something about it.

When she wakes up, it’s nearly evening, and the village is oddly still.  Ishak, who is still kicking around, says that all of the adults in the tribe are communing with the Voice (on which more later).  He also asks if Alanna is a sorceress, saying that he himself has the Gift and wants to be trained.  Alanna, still a little freaked by the whole recent evil duke/magic doll/duel to the death thing, tells him that she knows “nothing of magic” and that the Gift “leads only to pain and death.”  She gets dressed in her fancy going-out chainmail while Faithful tells her that while she napped the shaman asked the three young people what she had of value.

She joins the Bloody Hawk at the fire, at which point Halef Seif says that there are two opinions as to what should be done with her: half of the tribe says she should be put to death for being Northern and uppity, while the other says she should be welcomed as a sacred guest.  Seif himself opines that she should be invited to single combat to prove herself.  The debate goes back and forth, with Alanna feeling impressed by the Bazhir’s dedication to free speech and expression.  They mention the mysterious Voice again, and Alanna’s as confused about it as Mark Wahlberg is by, like, the world.

Unsurprisingly, Akhnan Ibn Nazzir sides with the people saying she should be put to death.  He later switches to side with those who believe she should be tried in combat, saying that the gods will honour whoever kills her.  Alanna calls him on this and on his interest in her possessions, prompting Halef Seif to admit that one third of what she owns would go to the shaman in the event of her death.

They eventually vote on the issue, and single combat wins out.

Will Alanna win the respect of the Bloody Hawk?  What’s the deal with the orange fire and the crystal sword, that’s a Roger thing, right?  Why wasn’t this recap funny, are you sick or something? (Answer: yes.)  Find out next time in CHAPTER TWO: THE BLOODY HAWK, OR, ALANNA FIGHTS A DUDE, HAS A SWORD-RELATED TEMPER TANTRUM, AND MEETS AN OLD FRIEND.

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER TEN: TO DUEL THE SORCEROR, OR, FFS IS ROGER DEAD YET?

Alright, so Alanna’s got her special holographic shield and everyone is feasting and carousing and it’s very special.  (Also, apparently the celebratory banquet is, in fact, a part of the Midwinter Festival.  Still doesn’t explain where Alanna’s yearmates went, but I’ll take it.)  She is enjoying her new status as a not-dead chick-knight when she notices that Queen Lianne is looking mighty ill.

Pictured above: The first thing that came up when I Googled “sick queen.”  Imagine that Lianne is that dragon-goat thing in the bed.  Alanna can be the narwhal.

Alanna grabs onto the emberstone, and sure enough, the Queen is glowing orange.  And—this is big, so make sure you’re sitting down and not drinking anything—she decides to actually do something about it.

She waits until the feast is in full swing (TPierce’s verbatim narration there) and then sneaks out to Roger’s chambers, using a cunning combination of magic and lockpicks to break in.  Sure enough, in his workroom she finds a wax replica of the Queen chillin’ in a fountain, the water gradually wearing her away.  The Duke apparently taught the pages ages ago that you can use dolls like that in works of sympathetic magic, include magically-induced illnesses (hence why the Queen never got better from the Sweating Sickness—she was in the fountain the whole time).  Alanna also finds a bag of replicas of herself, Jonathan, the King, Duke Gareth, Myles, and the Lord Provost, all wrapped in a veil.  The veil is apparently a magical thing that kept everyone inside it from seeing what Roger really is, which… okay, I guess that partially explains Alanna’s annoying “I have no proof” thing when the proof is literally about to gore her to death in the woods.  In an unheard-of act of actual sense-making, Alanna remembers to take the dolls with her before she gallops back to the Great Hall to yell treason.  Girl is making logical decisions, what even am I reading.

The first thing she does when she gets in front of the King is tell him that she broke into a man’s chambers.  The second thing she does is show him the dolls.  Roger, naturally, is very rageful and blustery and accuses Alanna of making the dolls herself, to which she replies, “Pssh, naw.”  He then challenges her to single combat, and all the readers rejoice because they are totally fucking sick of this conflict at this point.

Before she goes down to do her Inigo Montoya routine, Alanna has a tete-a-tete with Jonathan, Myles, Coram, and Thom.  (George shows up after a few minutes, too, because of course he does, the creep.)  Myles for some reason asks why she suspected Roger.  Seriously, dude?  She was discussing how much she hated him with you like two chapters ago.  Jonathan is equally nonplussed.  Come ON, guys, she talked to both of you!  A lot!  Alanna decides that this is the perfect moment to tell Myles that she’s not a dude, because she may be dead in less than an hour.  Myles is like “shyeah, duh, please don’t get stabbed in the throat.”  Myles for President forever.  Everyone leaves but Alanna and Jon, and they have a romantic moment that—shockingly—does not make me want to punch anyone in the face.

Alanna looked at Jon and went into his arms, hugging him tightly.
“I’m sorry, she whispered, fighting back tears.  “I know you love him; but I couldn’t let it go on.  He was killing your mother.”
Jonathan held her close.  “I love you more.”  His voice was breaking.  “Don’t let him kill you.”
Alanna shook her head.  “I don’t plan to.  Believe me, I don’t.”

No one is being an asshole here, it’s great.  Although I feel the need to point out once again that that semi-colon does not go there.

They go down to the Great Throne Room, where Roger is basically baying for blood and everyone else looks kind of awkward and uncomfortable.  (Except the Queen, who is as previously established a bedridden dragon-goat.)  As Alanna gets ready for combat, she realizes that even if she loses, she’s won, because people are throwing Roger some serious shade, and even if he kills her—thus proving himself innocent, according to the bizarre Tortallan legal system—they will never see the Duke in the same way again

Right, so there’s swordfighting, which is generally as dull to read about as it is exciting to see in a movie.  There’s a lot of parrying and lunging and stepping back and the basic gist of everything is Roger thinks Alanna is going to be really rash and overconfident and starts getting pissy when she isn’t.  Then he uses an illusion to make her think he suddenly has two swords, which is a foul (as evidenced by Thom screaming “foul!” like he’s at a goddamn soccer match).  Alanna remembers she has a magic-seeing necklace—that’s twice in one chapter she’s remembered that! Fancy!—and she figures out which sword is real after a second, but not before Roger has overpowered her and started forcing her to the floor.  She rolls away and keeps a hand on the emberstone, the better to make sure she knows which hand he’s actually using, and goes in for the kill while he’s switching hands.  Alanna gets first blood, but the Duke strikes back, and ends up slicing through Alanna’s tunic, shirt, and the special corset she uses to bind her chest.

Pictured above: the Tortallan Court.

The King halts the stick-waving because WHAT THE HELL BOOBS.  Thom starts to explain while Alanna fixes her shirt so the duel doesn’t become Girls Gone Wild: Corus Beach.  When she’s done the King asks her what she has to say for herself.  Alanna replies that she never wanted to lie to him, but she wanted to win her shield even more, and she does not regret what she did.  It’s a really great moment which is, of course, ruined by Roger freaking the fuck out.

He calls her a demon and starts trying to stab her.  She parries, cutting off a lock of his hair in the process.  He retaliates by immersing himself in a giant orange cloud.

Pictured above: Death.  I’m not saying it’s not effective, I’m just saying it lacks poetry.

Alanna, never one to let a gigantic orange doom-cloud stop her, uses Lightning to slice open the cloud and stab him twice.  And that’s how Roger of Conte dies.  The end.

… aaand just when you think the book is over we have an EPILOGUE!  Alanna and Coram are getting ready to ride into the southern desert to do some heroing.  Everyone is clustered around to say goodbye like they’re at the goddamn airport.  Gary tells her that she doesn’t need to leave just because she killed a measly ol’ Duke, and Alanna says that she needs to find herself and that she’ll come back once she’s done so.  Raoul says that she sould stay because he feels like he doesn’t know “Sir Alanna” at all, to which she replies that “Sir Alanna” is just Alan with the truth being told, which is sort of lovely and perfect.  George tells her to remember the theives’s signs he taught her, presumably with a subtext of “if you don’t I’ll totally drug you.”  They all then leave Alanna alone to say goodbye to Jonathan, because apparently they are the worst kept secret in the whole gd realm.  They kiss, she promises (again) to come back, and then Jonathan watches them ride away.  Alanna thinks about the road to knighthood, the duel with Roger, and the possibility of future happiness for herself.  It is a very solemn, weighty moment.  And then she ruins it by being a dork.

She let out a whoop of sheer exuberance and kicked Moonlight into a gallop.  “C’mon, Coram!” she cried, galloping past him.  “Let’s go find an adventure!”

Pictured above: Adventurers.

So how does the whole knighthood thing go for Alanna?  Will George do the creep at her even while she’s in the desert?  How awkward is it going to be to reread this next one as an adult with some basic understanding of race relations, honestly?  Find out next time when we start THE WOMAN WHO RIDES LIKE A MAN!

(lol, rides)

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER NINE: THE ORDEAL, OR, ALANNA GOES INTO A LITTLE ROOM, BECOMES A KNIGHT, AND SAY! THAT’S THE TITLE OF THIS SERIES!

Yo, bros, I am the worst blogger.  The worst of all.  Here is a picture of an adorable baby platypus to demonstrate my contrition.

Know what baby platypi are called?  Puggles.  Aw yeah, you forgive me now.

So remember last time (lo those many months ago) when Jon told Alanna that she should tell Gary that she is a girl?  Alanna has decided that the best way to do this is to just blurt it out on horseback in the middle of the woods.  I generally try to do the gender-related personal revelation thing over a nice glass of wine, but horses and trees is good too.  She is clearly bracing herself for an over-the-top violent reaction, which makes me have all the feelings because damn this could be any trans kid coming out to their bff, you know?  Gary’s reaction:

“That’s not funny!”

Oh, Gary.  Never change.

Once Alanna has answered all of his awkward questions (including the inevitable “where are your tits, man?”), Gary proves himself wrong and starts cackling dementedly about how shocked everyone is going to be about Alanna’s vagina situation.  Jon proves himself a douchebag once again by getting jealous over her and Gary’s newfound closeness.  To the MOON, Jon.

Time passes weirdly quickly, as it does in these early books, and Alanna spends a lot of it worrying about the Ordeal.  When she is not worrying about that she is worrying about what will happen if she survives it.  Her current plan is to tell everyone she’s a chick and then split as fast as she can.  She tells Myles this (omitting the chick part even though he clearly already knows), and he gives her one of his patented “we all love you, dumbass, deal with it” peptalks with hug function enabled.  She says she loves him too and it’s all super emotional.

Alanna is still worrying the day before her Ordeal, when she goes to visit George.  He watches her fret for a bit and tells her (quite rightly) that she won’t be able to stay up for her Ordeal if she wears herself out with all her pacing and hand-wringing.  He then proceeds to (quite fucking wrongly) drug her fucking brandy so she falls asleep.  Faithful, the worst fucking familiar in the whole goddamn world, laughs and tells George to cover her so she doesn’t get cold.

So what we’ve learned from George and Alanna’s relationship so far: true love is when you get all up in someone’s personal space, force-kiss them a few times, and then drug them immediately before one of the most important days of their life.  Stay tuned for his new self-help book, He Is Totally That Into You And Will Tell You About It At Great Length No Matter How Uncomfortable It Makes You And Also Let Me Smell Your Neck (Wait, Where Are You Going?).

After the drugs wear off, it’s time for the Ordeal.  Alanna dresses in white and goes to have a special pre-knighthood-or-possibly-death ice cold bath in the temple of Mithros.  (Fun fact: this is taken from actual medieval knighthood rituals, although they generally spent the rest of the night praying over their armour rather than seeing crazy visions in a locked room that wanted to kill them.) Gary and Jon chill in the next room, both trying hard not to think of the boobs that are just a few feet away.  They then instruct her in the Code of Chivalry, which is all about being a helper helping the helpless.

Then they settle in together for a long winter’s meditation.  Instead of praying, Alanna spends some time silently angsting about the same crap she’s been angsting about all book.  What if all my friends hate me when they find out that I’m a girl?  Does Jonathan really love me or am I just super convenient because I am the only chick in the Palace whose rooms are connected to his?  How do I stop Duke Roger from killing, like, everyone I know?  Et cetera and so forth.

After what feels like forever it is finally time for her to be locked in the Chamber of the Ordeal and start trippin’ balls.

Like this, but less Samuel L. Jackson.

She is in there for all of ten seconds—it’s a super boring room, by the by, definitely not a must-see—when the Ordeal starts with its first, deadliest weapon: cold wind.  Alanna actually starts freaking out because ewww the coldddddd but, luckily, does not scream (because if you scream in the Chamber you’ll be dishonoured or drawn and quartered or something).  When a bit of a draft does not draw a squeak out of our stalwart heroine, the Chamber responds with a few of its more potent weapons, such as voices, very large spiders, and the ocean., to no avail.  Finally it shows her the most frightening thing of all: some weird glowing moving wall tapestry thing showing Roger stealing a symbolic crown from a symbolically dead Jonathan.  Alanna freaks out again at that one and tries to rip it off, ripping half the skin off her hands.  She still doesn’t scream, though, so she wins at being a knight and gets to leave the Chamber.

Man, honestly, the spider would have been it for me.  I don’t give two fucks about any chivalry if you start throwing giant spiders all up at me.

After she is let out of the Chamber she gets to take a nap before her knighting proper, where Thom presents her with a shield bearing the Trebond arms, a black tower on a red field.  Everybody cheers because Alanna is very special and everyone loves her.  Before the celebratory banquet later (which is apparently only in her honour- didn’t she have yearmates at one point? Did everyone else start screaming in the Chamber and get disqualified or something and nobody bothered to mention it? EVERYONE LOVES ALANNA BEST, W/E), Thom shows her in private that it is a magical hologram shield- one minute it is a boring ol’ Trebond shield, the next a bitchin’ golden lioness.  Hence the series name.  You so clever, TPierce.  Thom says it’s for when she reveals who she really is to the Court.  I, personally, would have gone with something a little more direct.

Will Alanna’s boobs ruin everything?  Was that ominous tapestry an omen or was the Chamber just being a dick?  Seriously, what the hell happened to Alanna’s yearmates, did they all die?  Find out next time in CHAPTER TEN: TO DUEL THE SORCEROR, OR, FFS IS ROGER DEAD YET?

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER EIGHT: FEARS, OR, ALANNA NEARLY DIES AGAIN, A ROAD TRIP HAPPENS, AND GEORGE GETS SHOT HOLY GODDAMN

The whole rest of the spring, summer, and fall pass in the space of a single paragraph, presumably because TPierce also anti-ships Alanna/Jon and can’t stand to write too much of that shit.  Alanna spends the summer shopping, chillaxing with Myles, and boning Jon.  The paragraph actually says “at night, Jonathan taught her about loving,” which:

Delia apparently shares my feelings, as the next scene opens up with her ranting to the Duke about how Jonathan never shows up to stick it in her anymore.  The Duke tells her not to worry because he has other plans, and also strokes her hair and calls her “pretty one.”  So I guess Roger’s sleeping with her too.  The Contes: they keep it in the family.

In October another sickness happens, and the Queen falls ill once again.  Damn, Roger, you are a one trick pony.  Alanna, for once, notices that shit’s suspicious and asks Myles about it, pointing out that the best healers in the kingdom are in the Palace and hey, shouldn’t they be able to help the Queen not catch a deadly disease every few years?  And hey, remember how the Sweating Sickness might have been caused by a sorcerer?  How about that, huh?  Myles hears her out and tells her not to make accusations, as it’s too dangerous, but says it in a way that makes Alanna realize he feels her feels.  She takes this as her cue to accuse the fuck out of him, because Alanna of Trebond is a fantastic listener.  Myles tells her that she has no proof—which, dude, haven’t you been saying that ALL ALONG, Alanna?—and asks if she hates the Duke.  She responds with the Tortallan version of “duh, bro.”

In an unrelated incident, that winter she nearly drowns because someone salts the ice of a pond she’s skating on.  NO PROOF.

Her little swim under the ice spurs her into action, and she goes up north to the City of the Gods to visit Thom.  (She initially just wrote him some letters, as per usual, but her messengers were ~mysteriously killed, go fig.)  George comes along, not because she invited him or wants him with her, but because he shows up at the gate and won’t take no for an answer.  La la la, everyone who wants to bone Alanna is gross and awful, the end.  On the way up they stop in at Trebond to visit Coram, who’s planning to come down to the Palace when Alanna has her Ordeal.  Because that’s still a thing, btw!  The Ordeal is still gonna happen and Alanna is still super worried about it.  You can tell by the way she hasn’t mentioned it at all for the whole friggin’ book.

They get to the City of the Gods, which is suitably gloomy and imposing, and are greeted by Si-Cham, the Chief of the Masters and the head of the Cult of Mithros.  He wearing black and gold robes and described as both “ancient” and “yellow.”  Which… yikes, bro.  “Yellow”?  Really?

Racism aside, Si-Cham is a friendly dude until he leads them to Thom, at which point he clams up and gets all cold and grim.  Thom—who isn’t at all surprised to see them, by the by—explains once he leaves that this is because he’s finally stopped pretending to be stupid and took the written examinations for the Mastery (which is apparently a hugeass deal if you are a wizard person, dear reader).  Alanna tells him about the continuing attempts on her life and asks him to come live at Court to help keep her (and her fake gay prince lover) safe from Duke Roger.  Thom agrees and then starts to paw at the ember stone, accidentally melting the chain with his magical powers.

… I’m sorry, I just had this moment where I realized I’m blogging about a book in which someone’s magical twin melts part of the costume jewellery a deity gave him.  The world is such a silly place.

Anyway.  The visit caps off with Thom telling Alanna that he’s not worried about being FOREVER ALONE, because he has the Gift and that’s good enough for him.  It’s a pretty sad and awkward moment, not least because Thom does not seem to understand how sad and awkward it is.  I like the little Thom moments we get scattered throughout these books; they always make me want him to have his own series.  Preferably one that keeps in all the dodgy Thom/Roger stuff, because I will never stop being sad that that was left on the cutting-room floor.

Alanna and George ride back to Corus, and George gets shot by a bunch of dudes who refuse to say who sent them.  When Alanna tries to question them they die, and the ember stone shows Alanna traces of orange fire on their bodies.  Shocking.  We already know that neither Alanna nor George will die, so it’s basically one of those sit-through-it passages; the upside of it all is Alanna heals George and he’s like “lol didn’t know you cared bb.”  George, you’ve surprise-kissed her like twenty times at this point.  If she didn’t care about you you’d be dead.

Back in Corus, time passes, aaaaaand it’s Alanna’s birthday again!  And this time she gets PRESENTS, namely a suit of gold-washed armour and a fancy-ass new saddle (and a ring from George, because dude just can’t stop being inappropriate).  Finally, an answer to the timeless question, “What do you get the fake gay squire who has everything?”  Alanna’s totally overwhelmed and gets all emo about it to Jonathan later (when they are dry-humping, because that’s what they do now, ugh). She tells Jonathan that she’s afraid her friends will hate her when she eventually reveals her vaginality to them, and he’s like “lolololol who could hate your vaginality sweet thing.”  That’s a lie.  What he says is, “Don’t you think some of them have already guessed?”  Somewhere, Myles’s ears are burning.

This leads them to the question of who’s going to supervise Alanna’s ritual bath on the night of her Ordeal.  Jonathan suggests she tell Gary and ask him to do it, after she’s finished bathing on her own.  Alanna’s like “lol you just don’t want Gary to see my downstairs business.”  Rather than respond to light-hearted teasing like a normal person, Jonathan gets all cranky and starts whingeing about how he loves her but is afraid to say it because she’ll run away and crap.  Dude, she’s leaving after she gets her shield anyway, what even?

Anyway, she says she loves him too, and he’s like “I know, I just wanted to be sure you knew too."

Will Alanna finally face her Ordeal?  Will Roger try to kill her again again?  Is this fucking book nearly over, for serious?  Find out next time in CHAPTER NINE: THE ORDEAL, OR, ALANNA GOES INTO A LITTLE ROOM, BECOMES A KNIGHT, AND SAY! THAT’S THE TITLE OF THIS SERIES!