The Tortallan army arrives at the Falls camp and settles in just in time for dinner. Dinner, for Alanna, is a plate of meat and beans. I’m hoping the meat is actually chopped up hot dogs in tomato sauce. Just like Mom used to make! She sits with the foot soldiers instead of the knights and other squires, presumably because all that time she spends at the Dancing Dove has rendered her more comfortable kickin’ it with the simple peasantfolk than murmuring about wine vintages and poetry with her fellow aristocrats. (That’s what classy people talk about, right? Wine and crap?) One of said relatable peons is a very large, very friendly gentleman named Thor. Yes, Thor. Like the Norse God/Marvel hero. He saves Alanna when she nearly chokes on her wieners and beans, thus ensuring that they will be BFFFL.
All the assorted foot soldiers assume that Alanna is twelve, because she is short and that never stops being funny. When she corrects them, some bro saunters out of the crowd like an obnoxious dick to obnoxiously point out that Alanna fought and won a duel against a full-grown Tusaine knight. Obnoxious Bro’s name is Jem Tanner, and everyone reacts to him like he smells like an open sewer and makes jokes about the mentally disabled, so you (the reader) get that he is really super super obnoxious. He then hints (obnoxiously) that Alanna might be a spy sent into their ranks by the Tusaine army. Silly Jemnoxious, spies can’t be short. Alanna yells at him and he melts obnoxiously back into the crowd. Everyone now likes Alanna the most because she yelled at this bro, and Thor likes her the most the most, which I think I can confidently say means he will be dead within a few pages.
We get a quick description of how Alanna spends her time in the army: grooming horses, learning history lessons from Myles, drilling and eating with the foot soldiers. It’s pretty dull, and pretty blatantly set up to make us have the feels when Thor inevitably dies. Because, y’know, their deep beans and wieners bond and such. Jemnoxious is still hanging around being a jerk in a vague sort of ineffectual way. That is apparently not interesting enough for our stalwart heroine, who asks Duke Baird if she can help out in the healers’ tent to stave off boredom. Hanging out there totally harshes her buzz because everyone is dying all over the place, and she uses up pretty much all of her Gift either healing people or doing the Angel of Mercy bit. Jonathan finds her there, pretty much asleep on her feet. He quite rightly decides that it is time for his exhausted squire to go to bed. He quite wrongly decides that the best way to take his exhausted squire to bed is by spooning her on horseback in the moonlight while he whispers sweet nothings in her ear. Faithful meets them in the dark and is all yo, don’t kill yourself in the healers’ tent, dumbass, and also everyone who is looking at you right now thinks you are Tortall's biggest mo.
Cue Jem Tanner, oozing out of the night to accuse Alanna of “gadding about.” I don’t know what that means but I’ll assume it’s a reference to covert homosexual shenanigans.* Alanna yells at him—I know! Our delicate little chrysanthemum!—and he disappears to finish guard duty. Remember that later, kids, it may be on the test. Faithful then tells Alanna that if she plans on falling in love with the prince she ought to be more subtle about it. Alanna, predictably, is like “lolwut?” When she tries to go to bed later she ends up tossing and turning and eventually throws up because apparently being in the healers’ tent was super gross. Jonathan finds her vomming up a storm and tells her that he threw up after his first skirmish. He then tells her not to let the men know because it “wouldn’t do to let them think we’re sissies, would it?”
Bro, you just romantically dry-humped your male-presenting squire on the back of a goddamn horse. Do you really think a little Technicolor yawn is going to make a difference?
Two nights later—yes, two nights, as in two nights since the scene in which Jon and Alanna played Ambiguously Gay Horseback Knifey-Spoony, AKA That Was Actually So Irrelevant, Tamora Pierce, I Can’t Even, Where Is Your Editor—Alanna is looking for Big Thor, because apparently his spear broke and Alanna’s got a new one for him. She stole it from a dead dude. Sweet girl, that Alanna. Instead of finding Big Thor (who, coincidentally, was supposed to be on guard duty with Jemnoxious, because the Tortallan army only has two guards at a time, ever), she finds soldiers from Tusaine. Surprise! The opposing army is crossing the river, and our favourite Mr. Tanner is nowhere in sight.
Maybe they killed him for being too obnoxious.
There is a battle, and it is as inevitably dull as all battle scenes in all fantasy literature ever.**Alanna kills some bros and saves Jonathan’s life, and then the enemy retreats for no apparent reason, and if that all sounds kind of wishy-washy and anti-climatic, you’ve probably read this book.
Once it's all over, Alanna decides to search for Thor on the battlefield, using her special purple tracking magic. (Oh, yeah, apparently magic ain’t just for healing and killing demons anymore.) She finds Thor, who has been violently blinded and says that Jem Tanner betrayed the Tortallans by knocking him out and then… I dunno, inviting the Tusaine army over to their side of the river? Maybe for tea or something? Whatever, the point is, Jemnoxious is a bad bad man and Thor is going to die from blindsies. Alanna uses her magic to help ease his way into the afterlife so he doesn’t feel any pain, but forgets that she’s recently been using it to track the dude she just mercy-killed and starts to faint. She sees a vision of the Black God reaching out to her and is like “sup bro, if I’m dying right now I don’t actually care because I’m hella tired and I just had to put the dude who was my best friend for ten seconds to sleep like an elderly poodle.”
Aaaaand then the chapter ends. CLIFFHANGER.
Is Alanna seriously going to die? (Nope, too much book left.) Does anyone mention her and Jon’s awkward horse-spooning? (Not to their faces, I’d wager.) Is Jemnoxious really as obnoxious as all that? (Dude, he has “noxious” right in his name. RIGHT in there!) Find out next time in CHAPTER SIX: CAPTURED!, OR, KIDNAPPED! WAS ALREADY TAKEN SO WE WENT WITH THIS
* Please note: This is untrue. I know what “gadding about” means. I just always assume covert homosexual shenanigans.
** Sometimes I think about the fact that I hate battle scenes and gushy descriptions of clothing and fucking HORSES OH MY GOD and wonder what the hell I’m doing in this genre. Then I remember it has dragons in it and I feel better. True story.
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