Sunday, October 14, 2012

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER TEN: TO DUEL THE SORCEROR, OR, FFS IS ROGER DEAD YET?

Alright, so Alanna’s got her special holographic shield and everyone is feasting and carousing and it’s very special.  (Also, apparently the celebratory banquet is, in fact, a part of the Midwinter Festival.  Still doesn’t explain where Alanna’s yearmates went, but I’ll take it.)  She is enjoying her new status as a not-dead chick-knight when she notices that Queen Lianne is looking mighty ill.





Pictured above: The first thing that came up when I Googled “sick queen.”  Imagine that Lianne is that dragon-goat thing in the bed.  Alanna can be the narwhal.

Alanna grabs onto the emberstone, and sure enough, the Queen is glowing orange.  And—this is big, so make sure you’re sitting down and not drinking anything—she decides to actually do something about it.

She waits until the feast is in full swing (TPierce’s verbatim narration there) and then sneaks out to Roger’s chambers, using a cunning combination of magic and lockpicks to break in.  Sure enough, in his workroom she finds a wax replica of the Queen chillin’ in a fountain, the water gradually wearing her away.  The Duke apparently taught the pages ages ago that you can use dolls like that in works of sympathetic magic, include magically-induced illnesses (hence why the Queen never got better from the Sweating Sickness—she was in the fountain the whole time).  Alanna also finds a bag of replicas of herself, Jonathan, the King, Duke Gareth, Myles, and the Lord Provost, all wrapped in a veil.  The veil is apparently a magical thing that kept everyone inside it from seeing what Roger really is, which… okay, I guess that partially explains Alanna’s annoying “I have no proof” thing when the proof is literally about to gore her to death in the woods.  In an unheard-of act of actual sense-making, Alanna remembers to take the dolls with her before she gallops back to the Great Hall to yell treason.  Girl is making logical decisions, what even am I reading.

The first thing she does when she gets in front of the King is tell him that she broke into a man’s chambers.  The second thing she does is show him the dolls.  Roger, naturally, is very rageful and blustery and accuses Alanna of making the dolls herself, to which she replies, “Pssh, naw.”  He then challenges her to single combat, and all the readers rejoice because they are totally fucking sick of this conflict at this point.

Before she goes down to do her Inigo Montoya routine, Alanna has a tete-a-tete with Jonathan, Myles, Coram, and Thom.  (George shows up after a few minutes, too, because of course he does, the creep.)  Myles for some reason asks why she suspected Roger.  Seriously, dude?  She was discussing how much she hated him with you like two chapters ago.  Jonathan is equally nonplussed.  Come ON, guys, she talked to both of you!  A lot!  Alanna decides that this is the perfect moment to tell Myles that she’s not a dude, because she may be dead in less than an hour.  Myles is like “shyeah, duh, please don’t get stabbed in the throat.”  Myles for President forever.  Everyone leaves but Alanna and Jon, and they have a romantic moment that—shockingly—does not make me want to punch anyone in the face.

Alanna looked at Jon and went into his arms, hugging him tightly.
“I’m sorry, she whispered, fighting back tears.  “I know you love him; but I couldn’t let it go on.  He was killing your mother.”
Jonathan held her close.  “I love you more.”  His voice was breaking.  “Don’t let him kill you.”
Alanna shook her head.  “I don’t plan to.  Believe me, I don’t.”

No one is being an asshole here, it’s great.  Although I feel the need to point out once again that that semi-colon does not go there.

They go down to the Great Throne Room, where Roger is basically baying for blood and everyone else looks kind of awkward and uncomfortable.  (Except the Queen, who is as previously established a bedridden dragon-goat.)  As Alanna gets ready for combat, she realizes that even if she loses, she’s won, because people are throwing Roger some serious shade, and even if he kills her—thus proving himself innocent, according to the bizarre Tortallan legal system—they will never see the Duke in the same way again

Right, so there’s swordfighting, which is generally as dull to read about as it is exciting to see in a movie.  There’s a lot of parrying and lunging and stepping back and the basic gist of everything is Roger thinks Alanna is going to be really rash and overconfident and starts getting pissy when she isn’t.  Then he uses an illusion to make her think he suddenly has two swords, which is a foul (as evidenced by Thom screaming “foul!” like he’s at a goddamn soccer match).  Alanna remembers she has a magic-seeing necklace—that’s twice in one chapter she’s remembered that! Fancy!—and she figures out which sword is real after a second, but not before Roger has overpowered her and started forcing her to the floor.  She rolls away and keeps a hand on the emberstone, the better to make sure she knows which hand he’s actually using, and goes in for the kill while he’s switching hands.  Alanna gets first blood, but the Duke strikes back, and ends up slicing through Alanna’s tunic, shirt, and the special corset she uses to bind her chest.


Pictured above: the Tortallan Court.

The King halts the stick-waving because WHAT THE HELL BOOBS.  Thom starts to explain while Alanna fixes her shirt so the duel doesn’t become Girls Gone Wild: Corus Beach.  When she’s done the King asks her what she has to say for herself.  Alanna replies that she never wanted to lie to him, but she wanted to win her shield even more, and she does not regret what she did.  It’s a really great moment which is, of course, ruined by Roger freaking the fuck out.



He calls her a demon and starts trying to stab her.  She parries, cutting off a lock of his hair in the process.  He retaliates by immersing himself in a giant orange cloud.



Pictured above: Death.  I’m not saying it’s not effective, I’m just saying it lacks poetry.

Alanna, never one to let a gigantic orange doom-cloud stop her, uses Lightning to slice open the cloud and stab him twice.  And that’s how Roger of Conte dies.  The end.

… aaand just when you think the book is over we have an EPILOGUE!  Alanna and Coram are getting ready to ride into the southern desert to do some heroing.  Everyone is clustered around to say goodbye like they’re at the goddamn airport.  Gary tells her that she doesn’t need to leave just because she killed a measly ol’ Duke, and Alanna says that she needs to find herself and that she’ll come back once she’s done so.  Raoul says that she sould stay because he feels like he doesn’t know “Sir Alanna” at all, to which she replies that “Sir Alanna” is just Alan with the truth being told, which is sort of lovely and perfect.  George tells her to remember the theives’s signs he taught her, presumably with a subtext of “if you don’t I’ll totally drug you.”  They all then leave Alanna alone to say goodbye to Jonathan, because apparently they are the worst kept secret in the whole gd realm.  They kiss, she promises (again) to come back, and then Jonathan watches them ride away.  Alanna thinks about the road to knighthood, the duel with Roger, and the possibility of future happiness for herself.  It is a very solemn, weighty moment.  And then she ruins it by being a dork.

She let out a whoop of sheer exuberance and kicked Moonlight into a gallop.  “C’mon, Coram!” she cried, galloping past him.  “Let’s go find an adventure!”



Pictured above: Adventurers.

So how does the whole knighthood thing go for Alanna?  Will George do the creep at her even while she’s in the desert?  How awkward is it going to be to reread this next one as an adult with some basic understanding of race relations, honestly?  Find out next time when we start THE WOMAN WHO RIDES LIKE A MAN!

(lol, rides)

Sunday, October 07, 2012

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER NINE: THE ORDEAL, OR, ALANNA GOES INTO A LITTLE ROOM, BECOMES A KNIGHT, AND SAY! THAT’S THE TITLE OF THIS SERIES!


Yo, bros, I am the worst blogger.  The worst of all.  Here is a picture of an adorable baby platypus to demonstrate my contrition.


Know what baby platypi are called?  Puggles.  Aw yeah, you forgive me now.

So remember last time (lo those many months ago) when Jon told Alanna that she should tell Gary that she is a girl?  Alanna has decided that the best way to do this is to just blurt it out on horseback in the middle of the woods.  I generally try to do the gender-related personal revelation thing over a nice glass of wine, but horses and trees is good too.  She is clearly bracing herself for an over-the-top violent reaction, which makes me have all the feelings because damn this could be any trans kid coming out to their bff, you know?  Gary’s reaction:

“That’s not funny!”

Oh, Gary.  Never change.

Once Alanna has answered all of his awkward questions (including the inevitable “where are your tits, man?”), Gary proves himself wrong and starts cackling dementedly about how shocked everyone is going to be about Alanna’s vagina situation.  Jon proves himself a douchebag once again by getting jealous over her and Gary’s newfound closeness.  To the MOON, Jon.

Time passes weirdly quickly, as it does in these early books, and Alanna spends a lot of it worrying about the Ordeal.  When she is not worrying about that she is worrying about what will happen if she survives it.  Her current plan is to tell everyone she’s a chick and then split as fast as she can.  She tells Myles this (omitting the chick part even though he clearly already knows), and he gives her one of his patented “we all love you, dumbass, deal with it” peptalks with hug function enabled.  She says she loves him too and it’s all super emotional.

Alanna is still worrying the day before her Ordeal, when she goes to visit George.  He watches her fret for a bit and tells her (quite rightly) that she won’t be able to stay up for her Ordeal if she wears herself out with all her pacing and hand-wringing.  He then proceeds to (quite fucking wrongly) drug her fucking brandy so she falls asleep.  Faithful, the worst fucking familiar in the whole goddamn world, laughs and tells George to cover her so she doesn’t get cold.

So what we’ve learned from George and Alanna’s relationship so far: true love is when you get all up in someone’s personal space, force-kiss them a few times, and then drug them immediately before one of the most important days of their life.  Stay tuned for his new self-help book, He Is Totally That Into You And Will Tell You About It At Great Length No Matter How Uncomfortable It Makes You And Also Let Me Smell Your Neck (Wait, Where Are You Going?).

After the drugs wear off, it’s time for the Ordeal.  Alanna dresses in white and goes to have a special pre-knighthood-or-possibly-death ice cold bath in the temple of Mithros.  (Fun fact: this is taken from actual medieval knighthood rituals, although they generally spent the rest of the night praying over their armour rather than seeing crazy visions in a locked room that wanted to kill them.) Gary and Jon chill in the next room, both trying hard not to think of the boobs that are just a few feet away.  They then instruct her in the Code of Chivalry, which is all about being a helper helping the helpless.


Then they settle in together for a long winter’s meditation.  Instead of praying, Alanna spends some time silently angsting about the same crap she’s been angsting about all book.  What if all my friends hate me when they find out that I’m a girl?  Does Jonathan really love me or am I just super convenient because I am the only chick in the Palace whose rooms are connected to his?  How do I stop Duke Roger from killing, like, everyone I know?  Et cetera and so forth.

After what feels like forever it is finally time for her to be locked in the Chamber of the Ordeal and start trippin’ balls.



Like this, but less Samuel L. Jackson.

She is in there for all of ten seconds—it’s a super boring room, by the by, definitely not a must-see—when the Ordeal starts with its first, deadliest weapon: cold wind.  Alanna actually starts freaking out because ewww the coldddddd but, luckily, does not scream (because if you scream in the Chamber you’ll be dishonoured or drawn and quartered or something).  When a bit of a draft does not draw a squeak out of our stalwart heroine, the Chamber responds with a few of its more potent weapons, such as voices, very large spiders, and the ocean., to no avail.  Finally it shows her the most frightening thing of all: some weird glowing moving wall tapestry thing showing Roger stealing a symbolic crown from a symbolically dead Jonathan.  Alanna freaks out again at that one and tries to rip it off, ripping half the skin off her hands.  She still doesn’t scream, though, so she wins at being a knight and gets to leave the Chamber.

Man, honestly, the spider would have been it for me.  I don’t give two fucks about any chivalry if you start throwing giant spiders all up at me.


After she is let out of the Chamber she gets to take a nap before her knighting proper, where Thom presents her with a shield bearing the Trebond arms, a black tower on a red field.  Everybody cheers because Alanna is very special and everyone loves her.  Before the celebratory banquet later (which is apparently only in her honour- didn’t she have yearmates at one point? Did everyone else start screaming in the Chamber and get disqualified or something and nobody bothered to mention it? EVERYONE LOVES ALANNA BEST, W/E), Thom shows her in private that it is a magical hologram shield- one minute it is a boring ol’ Trebond shield, the next a bitchin’ golden lioness.  Hence the series name.  You so clever, TPierce.  Thom says it’s for when she reveals who she really is to the Court.  I, personally, would have gone with something a little more direct.


Will Alanna’s boobs ruin everything?  Was that ominous tapestry an omen or was the Chamber just being a dick?  Seriously, what the hell happened to Alanna’s yearmates, did they all die?  Find out next time in CHAPTER TEN: TO DUEL THE SORCEROR, OR, FFS IS ROGER DEAD YET?