[Sorry about the radio silence, guys! I’ve been having computer troubles recently, some of which are ongoing and most of which stem from the fact that said computer is six years old and has had multiple litres of soda spilt on it.]
It’s April all of a sudden, and George has apparently been making good on his promise to spy on Tusaine. The results are in, and a war is imminent. Alanna is bummed about this not because of the encroaching death or destruction or even the simple monetary cost of killing lots and lots of people, but because the Drell River Valley is apparently a really shitty place to fight, due to all the mountains and hazardous terrain and such. This scene is pretty dull—I think we all knew a war was coming—except for the part where George continues to be fucking creepy:
The thief’s fingers touched her chin gently, making her look up. Alanna blushed. He hadn’t kissed her since Jon’s birthday almost a year ago; but he let her know—with little touches, with softness in his eyes when he looked at her—that he was stalking her. Jonathan looked at Delia in much the same way. That Alanna got such attention from George terrified her.
My reaction, in list form:
- Ordinarily I would say that “stalking” is just an unfortunate choice of words, but given that George routinely has Alanna followed and spied on, it is actually bang on.
- What the actual FUCK, George??? Alanna has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want you to fucking touch her. Whether that discomfort is due to her having ~secret feelingz~ for you or not is fucking irrelevant, SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO TOUCH HER. What the fuck is your problem? You are one of the few people she can be herself with, why are you fucking it up by making her so goddamn uncomfortable? Why are you being such a dick? Ugh. I used to ship this, people.
- That semi-colon does not go there and it is making me angry.
Alanna brings the news to Myles, ensuring he won’t reveal her source by bringing up the fact that he has roughly ten thousand drinking buddies in the Lower City, most of them thieves and forgers and general scallywags. Myles is understandably distressed—probably not even about the terrain—and comments that the King of Tusaine would never have come up with the idea without the input of his dastardly brother, Duke Hilam. This is definitely just an offhand comment that will not prove to be integral to the plot at any point.
Talks are had, muster is called, and the troops assemble at the Palace. They are about to leave when Duke Gareth, who is supposed to be in command, is thrown from his horse and trampled to fuck. While everyone is milling about and freaking out Alanna slips away to have a heart-to-heart with Stefan the Hostler, who is being mysteriously perceptive and accenty as per usual. He says that none of the usual hostlers saddled the Duke’s horse, and that a burr was found caught in its blanket. He also mentions that since Duke Gareth has caught an unfortunate case of both-legs-broken-by-a-goddamn-horse-neosis, Duke Roger has been given command of the army.
How special.
Before she leaves, Alanna is told by Stefan (who knows goddamn everything, apparently—we should ask TPierce to give him his own book) that she has a visitor waiting for her in the library. Surprising approximately no one at all, it is George! Dressed as a monk! In the Royal Palace! Where he could easily be recognized and executed! Dude will go a long way to get his sexual harassment on, my stars. They rehash Alanna’s conversation with Stefan and he asks her to be careful while she’s killing foreigners. It’s actually kind of sweet, at first. However, this is George Cooper we’re talking about, and all conversations are basically a set-up for fun Tortallan pickup lines like Nice Tunic, Alanna, It’d Look Great On My Bedroom Floor, and Is That A Magical Sword In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? (It is a sword, George, stop makin’ it weird.) George says he might be giving up his life of crime to get married soon. Alanna, oblivious as ever, is like “yeah, right, what are you going to do with your ear collection, store it in her hope chest?” George responds with a tiresome “oh but the girl I want already KNOWS about my ear collection, wink wink nudge nudge.”
And then we get this gem of a conversation:
Alanna wiped sweating hands on her tunic. She had a feeling she knew what he was leading up to, and she wished he would stop. “Good luck, George. I don’t think a woman like that exists.”
George stood. Gripping her shoulders, he pulled her off the table. “I’ve already found her, and you know it well.”
[blah blah blah stuff about rank Alanna can’t marry a commoner AND THEN]
“No husband at all will do me the most good. I don’t plan to marry, and I certainly don’t plan to fall in love.”
“So you say now. I’m a patient man, lass. If need be, I’ll wait years. And I’ll not speak of this to you again. I only wanted you to know I’m yours to command.” He grinned.
Alanna tried to push away. Her heart was thumping rapidly and she felt giddy. She couldn’t let this go any further. “We can go on being friends like before?”
“Friends, and good ones. Confess it, lass, you’d miss me sorely, were I not about.”
Alanna made the mistake of looking up into his laughing eyes. That was the problem, right there: she was not nearly ready for what she saw in his face. She looked down, afraid. “I—I won’t let it ruin our friendship, George,” she whispered.
“And I won’t speak of it again till you ask it. Look at me, Alanna.”
Alanna looked up. George kissed her, pulling her close. His mouth was warm and comforting. Alanna had not forgotten the last time, and she had discovered that she liked his kisses.
(There are going to be a few spoilers below, just a heads up.)
Here's the thing about Tamora Pierce's romantic subplots: they are usually creepy. Not because they almost always involve older men and younger women (that's fairly standard for a medieval-style universe and not overly squicky for me anyway), but because they all seem to involve the protagonist being taken by surprise. Tamora Pierce prides herself on writing determined, self-sufficient, motivated young women who excel in male-dominated fields and refuse to sell themselves short because of their sex, usually in settings where their sex makes them second class citizens. And that's great, and she SHOULD pride herself on that—I know it was a big deal for me as a young reader to find fantasy novels starring young women who went out and did the whole rescuing-people finding-things saving-the-world-from-utter-destruction shtick that makes fantasy the ridiculous genre I love. But very few of her heroines ever seem to make the first move in a romantic capacity- they are always taken by surprise, and sometimes described as struggling to get away before "relaxing" into the kissing, one of my least favourite romantic tropes. Even Aly, who is meant to be very balls-out and flirtatious, never seems to actively pursue anyone. The only exceptions I can think of right now are when Alanna eventually sleeps with George, a sexual encounter she suggests and initiates (and even then that's after he surprise-kisses her and she struggles), and when Daja kisses Rizu (and I don't know if Pierce approaches that differently because it's a same-sex relationship and she herself is presumably heterosexual). Even Kel's relationship with Cleon, which is one of the better relationships in the novels—not in a "we are meant to be together forever" way but in a "this is a very pleasant first romance which will not end in death and/or mutual enmity" way—is one that begins when he surprise-kisses her. She had never even considered having a relationship with him prior to that one kiss. And it's not a creepy kiss, and it does not involve dubious consent (sit DOWN, George), but within the broader scope of all the other surprise-kissing that happens within the Pierce canon, it's all rather troubling. This could be a your-kink-is-showing thing, in much the same way that all of Pierce’s romantic interests are older*, taller** gentlemen, but either way it would be nice to see it subverted in one of the newer books. And it would be super to never see any of the oh-I-don’t-want-your-smooches-wait-you-have-pursued-me-long-enough-now-I-like-it crap again. The Alanna books were and are pretty damn progressive in a lot of ways, but as an adult who has both witnessed and been subject to some pretty terrible predatory behavior in the name of “romance”, I am truly unnerved to reread the scenes I thought were so fucking romantic as an eleven-year-old and realize they are actually sketch as fuck.
Anyway. Duke Roger is put in charge of the army, and Alanna ends up stationed with Jon by the Drell River Falls, an area of the Valley that’s not due to see much fighting. Jon is pissed about this. They are under strict commands by King Roald to avoid crossing the river to reclaim the right bank. Alanna is pissed about this. They ride out a day late and it takes them twelve days to reach the Drell River. Presumably everybody is pissed about this, but not as pissed as Duke Gareth, who is left alone in the Palace to nurse his broken legs and sigh longingly over the hand-painted portrait of Coram he keeps tied to his belt at all times.
How long will it take Duke Roger to start trying to kill Jon and Alanna? Will George try to invade the Tortallan Army dressed as an ice cream vendor just to give Alanna some more surprise sugar? Is it just me or is “we want this totally sweet river back, brah” kind of a dumbfuck reason to go to war? Find out next time in CHAPTER FIVE: BY THE RIVER DRELL, OR, JON IS GAY AGAIN, SOME FIGHTING OCCURS, AND ALANNA MINGLES WITH COMMON FOLK WHO DON’T WANT TO STICK IT IN HER.
* Except Nawat, who is FOUR. Jesus.
** No exceptions to this rule so far. I was holding out hope for Kel/Owen, but apparently he is married to one of Wyldon’s daughters. Tamora Pierce: not a fan of short bros.
