IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER EIGHT: FEARS, OR, ALANNA NEARLY DIES AGAIN, A ROAD TRIP HAPPENS, AND GEORGE GETS SHOT HOLY GODDAMN

The whole rest of the spring, summer, and fall pass in the space of a single paragraph, presumably because TPierce also anti-ships Alanna/Jon and can’t stand to write too much of that shit.  Alanna spends the summer shopping, chillaxing with Myles, and boning Jon.  The paragraph actually says “at night, Jonathan taught her about loving,” which:

Delia apparently shares my feelings, as the next scene opens up with her ranting to the Duke about how Jonathan never shows up to stick it in her anymore.  The Duke tells her not to worry because he has other plans, and also strokes her hair and calls her “pretty one.”  So I guess Roger’s sleeping with her too.  The Contes: they keep it in the family.

In October another sickness happens, and the Queen falls ill once again.  Damn, Roger, you are a one trick pony.  Alanna, for once, notices that shit’s suspicious and asks Myles about it, pointing out that the best healers in the kingdom are in the Palace and hey, shouldn’t they be able to help the Queen not catch a deadly disease every few years?  And hey, remember how the Sweating Sickness might have been caused by a sorcerer?  How about that, huh?  Myles hears her out and tells her not to make accusations, as it’s too dangerous, but says it in a way that makes Alanna realize he feels her feels.  She takes this as her cue to accuse the fuck out of him, because Alanna of Trebond is a fantastic listener.  Myles tells her that she has no proof—which, dude, haven’t you been saying that ALL ALONG, Alanna?—and asks if she hates the Duke.  She responds with the Tortallan version of “duh, bro.”

In an unrelated incident, that winter she nearly drowns because someone salts the ice of a pond she’s skating on.  NO PROOF.

Her little swim under the ice spurs her into action, and she goes up north to the City of the Gods to visit Thom.  (She initially just wrote him some letters, as per usual, but her messengers were ~mysteriously killed, go fig.)  George comes along, not because she invited him or wants him with her, but because he shows up at the gate and won’t take no for an answer.  La la la, everyone who wants to bone Alanna is gross and awful, the end.  On the way up they stop in at Trebond to visit Coram, who’s planning to come down to the Palace when Alanna has her Ordeal.  Because that’s still a thing, btw!  The Ordeal is still gonna happen and Alanna is still super worried about it.  You can tell by the way she hasn’t mentioned it at all for the whole friggin’ book.

They get to the City of the Gods, which is suitably gloomy and imposing, and are greeted by Si-Cham, the Chief of the Masters and the head of the Cult of Mithros.  He wearing black and gold robes and described as both “ancient” and “yellow.”  Which… yikes, bro.  “Yellow”?  Really?

Racism aside, Si-Cham is a friendly dude until he leads them to Thom, at which point he clams up and gets all cold and grim.  Thom—who isn’t at all surprised to see them, by the by—explains once he leaves that this is because he’s finally stopped pretending to be stupid and took the written examinations for the Mastery (which is apparently a hugeass deal if you are a wizard person, dear reader).  Alanna tells him about the continuing attempts on her life and asks him to come live at Court to help keep her (and her fake gay prince lover) safe from Duke Roger.  Thom agrees and then starts to paw at the ember stone, accidentally melting the chain with his magical powers.

… I’m sorry, I just had this moment where I realized I’m blogging about a book in which someone’s magical twin melts part of the costume jewellery a deity gave him.  The world is such a silly place.

Anyway.  The visit caps off with Thom telling Alanna that he’s not worried about being FOREVER ALONE, because he has the Gift and that’s good enough for him.  It’s a pretty sad and awkward moment, not least because Thom does not seem to understand how sad and awkward it is.  I like the little Thom moments we get scattered throughout these books; they always make me want him to have his own series.  Preferably one that keeps in all the dodgy Thom/Roger stuff, because I will never stop being sad that that was left on the cutting-room floor.

Alanna and George ride back to Corus, and George gets shot by a bunch of dudes who refuse to say who sent them.  When Alanna tries to question them they die, and the ember stone shows Alanna traces of orange fire on their bodies.  Shocking.  We already know that neither Alanna nor George will die, so it’s basically one of those sit-through-it passages; the upside of it all is Alanna heals George and he’s like “lol didn’t know you cared bb.”  George, you’ve surprise-kissed her like twenty times at this point.  If she didn’t care about you you’d be dead.

Back in Corus, time passes, aaaaaand it’s Alanna’s birthday again!  And this time she gets PRESENTS, namely a suit of gold-washed armour and a fancy-ass new saddle (and a ring from George, because dude just can’t stop being inappropriate).  Finally, an answer to the timeless question, “What do you get the fake gay squire who has everything?”  Alanna’s totally overwhelmed and gets all emo about it to Jonathan later (when they are dry-humping, because that’s what they do now, ugh). She tells Jonathan that she’s afraid her friends will hate her when she eventually reveals her vaginality to them, and he’s like “lolololol who could hate your vaginality sweet thing.”  That’s a lie.  What he says is, “Don’t you think some of them have already guessed?”  Somewhere, Myles’s ears are burning.

This leads them to the question of who’s going to supervise Alanna’s ritual bath on the night of her Ordeal.  Jonathan suggests she tell Gary and ask him to do it, after she’s finished bathing on her own.  Alanna’s like “lol you just don’t want Gary to see my downstairs business.”  Rather than respond to light-hearted teasing like a normal person, Jonathan gets all cranky and starts whingeing about how he loves her but is afraid to say it because she’ll run away and crap.  Dude, she’s leaving after she gets her shield anyway, what even?

Anyway, she says she loves him too, and he’s like “I know, I just wanted to be sure you knew too."

Will Alanna finally face her Ordeal?  Will Roger try to kill her again again?  Is this fucking book nearly over, for serious?  Find out next time in CHAPTER NINE: THE ORDEAL, OR, ALANNA GOES INTO A LITTLE ROOM, BECOMES A KNIGHT, AND SAY! THAT’S THE TITLE OF THIS SERIES!

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER SEVEN: WINTER LESSONS, OR, ALANNA FEELS PRETTY, BONING ENSUES

[Sorry again for the long break, guys.  There have been Things happening, and some of the Things are still happening, and they are largely shitty, but whatevs, let’s get to the gay squire sex.]

Alanna goes into the City to visit George’s mom.  Remember her?  Yeah, I didn’t either until this chapter, but apparently Alanna visits her often enough that they are able to have a cozy little chat over tea about her still-healing arm and George’s awkward Alanna-based boners.  She then launches into a rant about Jon, who, in full dickhead form, has taken to yelling at Alanna both for “leading on” women at Court social functions and having a crush on every boy in her secret life as a vagina-haver.  Oh, honey, I hate Dan Savage but this is a clear case of DTMFA.  Alanna then asks, very abruptly, if Mistress Cooper can teach her how to dress like a girl.

Mistress Cooper raised her eyebrows.  “Now, this is odd,” she said calmly.  “Why such a request?”
Alanna made a face.  “I don’t know.  I just—I see all the Queen’s ladies wearing pretty things, and I’ve been thinking lately that I like pretty things.  I’m going to have to be a girl someday.  Why shouldn’t I start practicing now?”

Mistress Cooper very wisely does not ask if this newfound desire for chickwear is born of Jonathan being a cockwattle, and instead agrees to help Alanna, buying her clothes, teaching her how to use makeup, and even doing her hair.  It’s kind of like the makeover scene in Mrs. Doubtfire, which means that Mistress Cooper will forever sound like Harvey Fierstein in my head (and now in yours too).

Here’s a secret: I really love this subplot, and the fact that Alanna is pretty frequently described as enjoying “feminine” clothing and pretty things.  Partly this is because it reminds me of my own secretive forays into girls’ clothes as a young genderqueer—half eager, half defensive, one hundred percent awkward—but it’s also because in a lot of books a character like Alanna would be written as absolutely hating anything “girly,” as though because she’s good at what she does and is in a male-dominated field she isn’t allowed to like dresses or makeup or perfume.  How many times have you read a book in which you know you’re supposed to admire and identify with the tomboyish heroine because she doesn’t like any of that—yech!—GIRL STUFF, like, I dunno, fashion, or sewing, or having feelings, or whatever?  It’s an easy trap to fall into when you’re consciously writing a feminist character, because things that are seen as feminine are also seen as inherently frivolous and silly by the world at large.  TPierce doesn’t fall into that here.  Alanna is fantastic at killing people and also likes to wear pretty dresses, and there is no fucking contradiction there.

Anyway, there comes a day when Mistress Cooper is dressing Alanna up and does a big prom-style reveal in front of the mirror, and Alanna’s like “daaaaang, I’m fine.”  Naturally, that is the moment in which Jon and George both show up for a visit, and they are both like:

This may get complicated.

That winter turns out to be another hard one for Tortall, a kingdom that never seems to see any nice, mild winters that pass entirely without mishap.  The wolves get so hungry and pissy they start to eat people, and one particularly sizeable beast, name of Demon Grey, eats people the most.  The entire Court goes hunting for him, including our hero and our mustachioed villain.  Predictably, the gigantic man-eating beast tries to kill Alanna; she tries to kill it right back* and succeeds.  Gripping her ember stone with one hand, she is shocked—SHOCKED—to see traces of orange fire flickering around the body.  But!  But the Duke’s Gift is orange!  WHAT COULD IT MEAN.  I’d tell you, but I am busy choking myself with frustration over how stupid this fucking kid is.

Also, how long it’s taken her to figure out how to actually use that ember stone.  The Goddess’s gifts should come with written instructions, unless they are Faithful, in which case they are too useless to exist in the fist place.

The winter goes by, and Alanna’s seventeenth birthday happens.  She is having some feelings that night, on account of her gay squiredom and the upcoming Ordeal of Knighthood and bitches getting all up in her grill with their magic wolves and so on, so she decides to relax by dressing in women’s clothes and taking a leisurely stroll through a garden full of people who have always known her as a boy and can easily recognize her.  It’s okay, though, she’s got a wig on so she’s totally stealth.**

Jonathan meets her there and says he clocked her because she doesn’t know how to not walk like a dudely lumberjack.  I feel those feels, Alanna.   Jon notices her pregnancy charm—which, actually, is it couth for young Court ladies to just go around wearing their pregnancy charms out in the open?  I know commoners are allowed, but noblewomen are supposed to be all into the chaste-before-marriage-because-oh!-my-lord’s-succession scene.  Is wearing a pregnancy charm to a Court function the Tortallan equivalent of wandering into a really classy party and screaming “JUST GONNA TAKE MY BIRTH CONTROL NOW, IN CASE ANYBODY’S INTERESTED”?  Is Alanna committing one of those awkward faux pas you wouldn’t know about if you weren’t raised in a convent school with a dozen other noble chicks?  I am seriously curious.

… My undue interest in Tortallan sexual conventions aside, Alanna tells him what it is*** and he’s all “ohohoho we should try it out” and lays a big ol’ smoocharoo on our stalwart heroine.  Aaaaand then starts trying to take her clothes off.  In the fucking garden in front of the palace full of people they both know.  Everyone in this book makes fantastic choices and should be proud of them!  Alanna says no and Jonathan makes it weird, as all Tortallan men are apparently wont to do:

“You’re fighting what has to be,” he said, “and you know it as well as I.”
“I—I know no such thing,” she stammered.  “I promised myself once that I’d never love a man!  Maybe I almost broke that promise just now because of moonlight and silliness-“
“Stop it,” he told her sternly.  He made her look up at him.  “We belong to each other.  Is that silliness?  Surely you’ve realized all along this had to happen.”  When she did not answer he sighed.  “Go away, before I change my mind.”

EW. EW. EW.

Where to fucking start with this, honestly?  The refusal of her “no”?  His insistence that he knows what she wants and needs way better than she ever could?  That charming little “before I change my mind”?  (Change your mind to WHAT, Jon?  Are we catching the train to Rapeytown?)  This whole bullshit relationship is so, so gross, and I fail to understand why anyone ships it.

I also fail to understand why Alanna immediately goes to his rooms and has sex with him after this.  Must be because they belong together.

Will Jon ever stop being a dickhead?  No, never ever, but you should still come back for CHAPTER EIGHT: FEARS, OR, ALANNA NEARLY DIES AGAIN, A ROAD TRIP HAPPENS, AND GEORGE GETS SHOT HOLY GODDAMN.

* Because she’s got the right to live and try to kill gigantic man-eating beasts.  And people.

** The wig in question, by the by?  It’s black.  I know this is hopelessly shallow and irrelevant, but I just can’t help cringing over how that must clash with her colouring, not to mention her eyebrows. 

*** Okay, yeah, I have another question about sex in Tortall, WHATEVER.  Jonathan has been tapping Delia for, like, YEARS at this point.  Why does he not know what a pregnancy charm looks like?  Has she just been freebirdin’ it the whole time?  How is she not already the mother to ten thousand cranky asshole babies???? 

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER SIX: CAPTURED!, OR, KIDNAPPED! WAS ALREADY TAKEN SO WE WENT WITH THIS

Alanna wakes up after her dry-magic dirt nap to find the sun shining and her wounded arm (very poorly) bandaged by none other than the heir to the throne of Tortall.  Apparently he managed to weasel into her tent before anyone else to patch her up and ensure that no one else got an eyeful of gay squire boobage.

 
She has been asleep for three days, because in Tamora Pierce books no one ever passes out for a tidy half hour.  Alanna asks if they’ve found Jem Tanner and tells Jon that Thor was innocent.  Jon actually bellows “TREACHERY!”  This is one of the earlier onset signs of his transformation into Asshole Jon: random yelling.  Apparently the order given by King Roald not to retake the left bank still holds, and he’s even thinking of giving the Tusaine army the right bank to shut them up.  Alanna points out that if they give Tusaine the right bank they won’t stop until they regain the whole valley:

Jonathan nodded. “But no one can convince my father of that.  He takes being called ‘The Peacemaker’ very seriously.”
“He did establish peace after the Old King’s conquests,” Alanna said fairly.
“Yes, but this time he’s wrong!”  Jonathan growled.  He brooded for a few moments before smiling and taking her hand. [My God, growling and brooding in the same sentence, he’s practically Mr. Darcy.]  “Look at me.  You’re not awake five minutes and I’m burdening you with my problems.  Mithros, I’m glad you’re all right!”
Alanna squeezed his hand.  “Thank you for taking care of me, Jon.”
He reached over to brush a strand of hair away from her face.  Suddenly he was very close.  Alanna discovered she was afraid to breathe.  Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

As luck would have it, Myles chooses that minute to blunder into the tent, barely giving them enough time to spring apart and do the Definitely Not Making Out Dance.  Jon is reading a book, Alanna is drinking from a water bottle, and both of their faces are colours that faces oughtn’t be.  Myles is, of course, sharp as a box of tacks, knows exactly what’s going on, and chooses to observe their discomfort with quiet satisfaction.  As do we all, Myles, as do we all.

Duke Roger (oh, yeah, remember him? I know we are all very sad about Thor’s tragic death, but Duke Roger = still a thing!) orders Alanna to stay away from fighting for a while so she doesn’t fall asleep for three days again.  She is pissy about this, and about the fact that Douglass is acting as Jonathan’s squire while she’s out of commission.  To vent her frustration she volunteers to do every-friggin’-thing in camp: working in the healers’ tents, assisting the resident blacksmiths, and acting as a sentry.  Duke Roger finds her at this one evening and decides to have a casual chat with her, despite Faithful trying to rip his face off.  (Faithful, you are the WORST FAMILIAR.)  After a few minutes of aimless chitchat (where’d you get your nails done, what are you taking in school, have you ever transcended space and time, etc), the Duke suddenly gets down to the nitty gritty:

“We are not friends, are we, Alan?”

This is the conversation that follows, slightly paraphrased:

ALANNA: No, I kind of hate you.
DUKE ROGER:  That’s a shame.  If you didn’t hate me so much I might not want to kill you so hard.
ALANNA: You’d still want to kill all my friends pretty hard, though.  Not so down with that.
DUKE ROGER: I see.  Well, I’m going to leave you alone in this suddenly rising fog now.  If you start feeling sleepy, don’t worry, it’s definitely not a spell I’ve brewed up to disable you so you can be kidnapped by the opposing side.  Goodnight!

Yeah.  Guess what happens.

The kidnappers take Alanna, but they forget Faithful, who is curled up tight and will not wake up.  The Tortallans assume that this is because magic, rather than because cat.

Duke Roger tells Jon & Co. that they cannot cross the river to rescue Alanna, as per the King’s strict no-crossies rule.  Jon is freaking out because what if they see the gay squire boobage?  He tries to mention this to Myles, who gently not-quite-says that he already knows about said boobage, dummy, and also have you gotten to second yet?  It is decided that at some point that evening Myles will be elsewhere in camp, and if Jon and his heroic buddies decide to go for a little trip, maaaaaaybe across the river… well, who can stop them?

Alanna eventually wakes up (presumably not three days later, but in a Tamora Pierce book it’s always iffy) in a wooden hut with two other prisoners, a pair of foot soldiers named Micah and Keel.  They are all chained up; Alanna tries to use magic to break her chains, but they’ve been spelled so the Gift doesn’t work on them.  A Tusaine captain comes into the room to tell Micah and Keel that they will be paid and released if they give information; when they ask what will happen to Alanna they are told that she will not be ransomed, because Duke Hilam (remember him? he’s the King of Tusaine’s dastardly brother!) wants to speak to her personally.  And by “speak to” he means “torture.”

Keel and Micah, of course, refuse to say anything, because all Tortallans are fucking noble as balls.  Once the captain leaves the three of them try to figure out how to get out of the hut; Alanna finally remembers that she has a set of lock picks hidden in her belt and sets them free.  (Her own chains, of course, are magicked to melt her lock picks when she tries the same thing on herself.  Gee, Alanna, it’s almost as if A POWERFUL SORCEROR WANTS YOU TO DIE.  But whatever, you have no proof.)  When they hear footsteps, Keel and Micah hide themselves on either side of the door, ready to use their chains as weapons—which actually turns out to be a bad move, as Duke Hilam has the Gift and likes to blast doors off their hinges instead of opening them like a normal person.  Keel and Micah are knocked unconscious, their daring escape plan ruined, and Alanna is left to face yet another good-looking, magically powerful duke who wants to kill her.  They’re a dime a dozen in the Eastern Lands, apparently.  Hilam is followed by—surprise!—Jem Tanner, who it turns out is actually Count Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s other brother.

Okay—so you’ve got a king, a duke, and a count, who are all brothers?  Like, legitimate brothers?  The Tusaine feudal system is fucked up.

The Duke kicks her a bit and threatens to cut out her tongue, and Alanna endures it because Micah and Keel have regained consciousness and she wants to give them time to escape.  And also because she’s in frickin’ chains and can’t fight back against a frickin’ evil duke.  Jemis asks if he can kill her, because “I could have killed Prince Jonathan that night if he hadn’t been there” (SPOONING ON HORSEBACK); Hilam says he needs to stab some information out of her first.  Alanna makes fun of him, which is always a wise choice when you’re tied up and held hostage by someone who intends to kill you.  Before her dumbassery can get her into deeper shit, however, Prince Jonathan and the cavalry show up to take Jemis and Hillam as hostages, thereby ending the war and keeping Alanna safe and un-tortured.

Yep.  That is actually how this chapter ends.  They sign peace treaties, the Tortallans get their fucking valley back, and everyone goes home by August.

Jesus, this book.

Do we have time for another pointless war before the end of the novel?  Will Alanna and Jon do more horseback spooning?  Is that SERIOUSLY the end of the Tortall-Tusaine conflict, seriously???  Find out next time in CHAPTER SEVEN: WINTER LESSONS, OR, ALANNA FEELS PRETTY, BONING ENSUES.

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER FIVE: BY THE RIVER DRELL, OR, JON IS GAY AGAIN, SOME FIGHTING OCCURS, AND ALANNA MINGLES WITH COMMON FOLK WHO DON’T WANT TO STICK IT IN HER

The Tortallan army arrives at the Falls camp and settles in just in time for dinner.  Dinner, for Alanna, is a plate of meat and beans.  I’m hoping the meat is actually chopped up hot dogs in tomato sauce.  Just like Mom used to make!  She sits with the foot soldiers instead of the knights and other squires, presumably because all that time she spends at the Dancing Dove has rendered her more comfortable kickin’ it with the simple peasantfolk than murmuring about wine vintages and poetry with her fellow aristocrats.  (That’s what classy people talk about, right?  Wine and crap?)  One of said relatable peons is a very large, very friendly gentleman named Thor.  Yes, Thor.  Like the Norse God/Marvel hero.  He saves Alanna when she nearly chokes on her wieners and beans, thus ensuring that they will be BFFFL.

All the assorted foot soldiers assume that Alanna is twelve, because she is short and that never stops being funny.  When she corrects them, some bro saunters out of the crowd like an obnoxious dick to obnoxiously point out that Alanna fought and won a duel against a full-grown Tusaine knight.  Obnoxious Bro’s name is Jem Tanner, and everyone reacts to him like he smells like an open sewer and makes jokes about the mentally disabled, so you (the reader) get that he is really super super obnoxious.  He then hints (obnoxiously) that Alanna might be a spy sent into their ranks by the Tusaine army.  Silly Jemnoxious, spies can’t be short.  Alanna yells at him and he melts obnoxiously back into the crowd.  Everyone now likes Alanna the most because she yelled at this bro, and Thor likes her the most the most, which I think I can confidently say means he will be dead within a few pages.

We get a quick description of how Alanna spends her time in the army: grooming horses, learning history lessons from Myles, drilling and eating with the foot soldiers.  It’s pretty dull, and pretty blatantly set up to make us have the feels when Thor inevitably dies.  Because, y’know, their deep beans and wieners bond and such.  Jemnoxious is still hanging around being a jerk in a vague sort of ineffectual way.  That is apparently not interesting enough for our stalwart heroine, who asks Duke Baird if she can help out in the healers’ tent to stave off boredom.  Hanging out there totally harshes her buzz because everyone is dying all over the place, and she uses up pretty much all of her Gift either healing people or doing the Angel of Mercy bit.  Jonathan finds her there, pretty much asleep on her feet.  He quite rightly decides that it is time for his exhausted squire to go to bed.  He quite wrongly decides that the best way to take his exhausted squire to bed is by spooning her on horseback in the moonlight while he whispers sweet nothings in her ear.  Faithful meets them in the dark and is all yo, don’t kill yourself in the healers’ tent, dumbass, and also everyone who is looking at you right now thinks you are Tortall's biggest mo.

Cue Jem Tanner, oozing out of the night to accuse Alanna of “gadding about.”  I don’t know what that means but I’ll assume it’s a reference to covert homosexual shenanigans.* Alanna yells at him—I know! Our delicate little chrysanthemum!—and he disappears to finish guard duty.  Remember that later, kids, it may be on the test.  Faithful then tells Alanna that if she plans on falling in love with the prince she ought to be more subtle about it.  Alanna, predictably, is like “lolwut?”  When she tries to go to bed later she ends up tossing and turning and eventually throws up because apparently being in the healers’ tent was super gross.  Jonathan finds her vomming up a storm and tells her that he threw up after his first skirmish.  He then  tells her not to let the men know because it “wouldn’t do to let them think we’re sissies, would it?”

Bro, you just romantically dry-humped your male-presenting squire on the back of a goddamn horse.  Do you really think a little Technicolor yawn is going to make a difference?

Two nights later—yes, two nights, as in two nights since the scene in which Jon and Alanna played Ambiguously Gay Horseback Knifey-Spoony, AKA That Was Actually So Irrelevant, Tamora Pierce, I Can’t Even, Where Is Your Editor—Alanna is looking for Big Thor, because apparently his spear broke and Alanna’s got a new one for him.  She stole it from a dead dude.  Sweet girl, that Alanna.  Instead of finding Big Thor (who, coincidentally, was supposed to be on guard duty with Jemnoxious, because the Tortallan army only has two guards at a time, ever), she finds soldiers from Tusaine.  Surprise! The opposing army is crossing the river, and our favourite Mr. Tanner is nowhere in sight.

Maybe they killed him for being too obnoxious.

There is a battle, and it is as inevitably dull as all battle scenes in all fantasy literature ever.**Alanna kills some bros and saves Jonathan’s life, and then the enemy retreats for no apparent reason, and if that all sounds kind of wishy-washy and anti-climatic, you’ve probably read this book.

Once it's all over, Alanna decides to search for Thor on the battlefield, using her special purple tracking magic.  (Oh, yeah, apparently magic ain’t just for healing and killing demons anymore.)  She finds Thor, who has been violently blinded and says that Jem Tanner betrayed the Tortallans by knocking him out and then… I dunno, inviting the Tusaine army over to their side of the river?  Maybe for tea or something?  Whatever, the point is, Jemnoxious is a bad bad man and Thor is going to die from blindsies.  Alanna uses her magic to help ease his way into the afterlife so he doesn’t feel any pain, but forgets that she’s recently been using it to track the dude she just mercy-killed and starts to faint.  She sees a vision of the Black God reaching out to her and is like “sup bro, if I’m dying right now I don’t actually care because I’m hella tired and I just had to put the dude who was my best friend for ten seconds to sleep like an elderly poodle.”

Aaaaand then the chapter ends.  CLIFFHANGER.

Is Alanna seriously going to die?  (Nope, too much book left.)  Does anyone mention her and Jon’s awkward horse-spooning?  (Not to their faces, I’d wager.)  Is Jemnoxious really as obnoxious as all that?  (Dude, he has “noxious” right in his name.  RIGHT in there!)  Find out next time in CHAPTER SIX: CAPTURED!, OR, KIDNAPPED! WAS ALREADY TAKEN SO WE WENT WITH THIS

* Please note: This is untrue.  I know what “gadding about” means.  I just always assume covert homosexual shenanigans.

** Sometimes I think about the fact that I hate battle scenes and gushy descriptions of clothing and fucking HORSES OH MY GOD and wonder what the hell I’m doing in this genre.  Then I remember it has dragons in it and I feel better.  True story.

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER FOUR: A CRY OF WAR, OR, ALANNA GOES ON A ROAD TRIP AND GETS FORCE-KISSED BY GEORGE AGAIN, JESUS, GEORGE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

[Sorry about the radio silence, guys!  I’ve been having computer troubles recently, some of which are ongoing and most of which stem from the fact that said computer is six years old and has had multiple litres of soda spilt on it.]

It’s April all of a sudden, and George has apparently been making good on his promise to spy on Tusaine.  The results are in, and a war is imminent.  Alanna is bummed about this not because of the encroaching death or destruction or even the simple monetary cost of killing lots and lots of people, but because the Drell River Valley is apparently a really shitty place to fight, due to all the mountains and hazardous terrain and such.  This scene is pretty dull—I think we all knew a war was coming—except for the part where George continues to be fucking creepy:

The thief’s fingers touched her chin gently, making her look up.  Alanna blushed.  He hadn’t kissed her since Jon’s birthday almost a year ago; but he let her know—with little touches, with softness in his eyes when he looked at her—that he was stalking her.  Jonathan looked at Delia in much the same way.  That Alanna got such attention from George terrified her.

My reaction, in list form:

1. Ordinarily I would say that “stalking” is just an unfortunate choice of words, but given that George routinely has Alanna followed and spied on, it is actually bang on.
2. What the actual FUCK, George???  Alanna has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want you to fucking touch her.  Whether that discomfort is due to her having ~secret feelingz~ for you or not is fucking irrelevant, SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO TOUCH HER.  What the fuck is your problem?  You are one of the few people she can be herself with, why are you fucking it up by making her so goddamn uncomfortable?  Why are you being such a dick?  Ugh.  I used to ship this, people.
3. That semi-colon does not go there and it is making me angry.

Alanna brings the news to Myles, ensuring he won’t reveal her source by bringing up the fact that he has roughly ten thousand drinking buddies in the Lower City, most of them thieves and forgers and general scallywags.  Myles is understandably distressed—probably not even about the terrain—and comments that the King of Tusaine would never have come up with the idea without the input of his dastardly brother, Duke Hilam.  This is definitely just an offhand comment that will not prove to be integral to the plot at any point.

Talks are had, muster is called, and the troops assemble at the Palace. They are about to leave when Duke Gareth, who is supposed to be in command, is thrown from his horse and trampled to fuck.  While everyone is milling about and freaking out Alanna slips away to have a heart-to-heart with Stefan the Hostler, who is being mysteriously perceptive and accenty as per usual.  He says that none of the usual hostlers saddled the Duke’s horse, and that a burr was found caught in its blanket.  He also mentions that since Duke Gareth has caught an unfortunate case of both-legs-broken-by-a-goddamn-horse-neosis, Duke Roger has been given command of the army.

How special.

Before she leaves, Alanna is told by Stefan (who knows goddamn everything, apparently—we should ask TPierce to give him his own book) that she has a visitor waiting for her in the library.  Surprising approximately no one at all, it is George!  Dressed as a monk!  In the Royal Palace!  Where he could easily be recognized and executed!  Dude will go a long way to get his sexual harassment on, my stars.  They rehash Alanna’s conversation with Stefan and he asks her to be careful while she’s killing foreigners.  It’s actually kind of sweet, at first.  However, this is George Cooper we’re talking about, and all conversations are basically a set-up for fun Tortallan pickup lines like Nice Tunic, Alanna, It’d Look Great On My Bedroom Floor, and Is That A Magical Sword In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?  (It is a sword, George, stop makin’ it weird.)  George says he might be giving up his life of crime to get married soon.  Alanna, oblivious as ever, is like “yeah, right, what are you going to do with your ear collection, store it in her hope chest?”  George responds with a tiresome “oh but the girl I want already KNOWS about my ear collection, wink wink nudge nudge.”

And then we get this gem of a conversation:

Alanna wiped sweating hands on her tunic.  She had a feeling she knew what he was leading up to, and she wished he would stop.  “Good luck, George.  I don’t think a woman like that exists.”
George stood.  Gripping her shoulders, he pulled her off the table.  “I’ve already found her, and you know it well.”
[blah blah blah stuff about rank Alanna can’t marry a commoner AND THEN]
“No husband at all will do me the most good.  I don’t plan to marry, and I certainly don’t plan to fall in love.”
“So you say now.  I’m a patient man, lass.  If need be, I’ll wait years.  And I’ll not speak of this to you again.  I only wanted you to know I’m yours to command.” He grinned.
Alanna tried to push away.  Her heart was thumping rapidly and she felt giddy.  She couldn’t let this go any further.  “We can go on being friends like before?”
“Friends, and good ones.  Confess it, lass, you’d miss me sorely, were I not about.”
Alanna made the mistake of looking up into his laughing eyes.  That was the problem, right there: she was not nearly ready for what she saw in his face.  She looked down, afraid.  “I—I won’t let it ruin our friendship, George,” she whispered.
“And I won’t speak of it again till you ask it.  Look at me, Alanna.”
Alanna looked up.  George kissed her, pulling her close.  His mouth was warm and comforting.  Alanna had not forgotten the last time, and she had discovered that she liked his kisses.

(There are going to be a few spoilers below, just a heads up.)

Here's the thing about Tamora Pierce's romantic subplots: they are usually creepy.  Not because they almost always involve older men and younger women (that's fairly standard for a medieval-style universe and not overly squicky for me anyway), but because they all seem to involve the protagonist being taken by surprise.  Tamora Pierce prides herself on writing determined, self-sufficient, motivated young women who excel in male-dominated fields and refuse to sell themselves short because of their sex, usually in settings where their sex makes them second class citizens.  And that's great, and she SHOULD pride herself on that—I know it was a big deal for me as a young reader to find fantasy novels starring young women who went out and did the whole rescuing-people finding-things saving-the-world-from-utter-destruction shtick that makes fantasy the ridiculous genre I love.  But very few of her heroines ever seem to make the first move in a romantic capacity- they are always taken by surprise, and sometimes described as struggling to get away before "relaxing" into the kissing, one of my least favourite romantic tropes.  Even Aly, who is meant to be very balls-out and flirtatious, never seems to actively pursue anyone.  The only exceptions I can think of right now are when Alanna eventually sleeps with George, a sexual encounter she suggests and initiates (and even then that's after he surprise-kisses her and she struggles), and when Daja kisses Rizu (and I don't know if Pierce approaches that differently because it's a same-sex relationship and she herself is presumably heterosexual).  Even Kel's relationship with Cleon, which is one of the better relationships in the novels—not in a "we are meant to be together forever" way but in a "this is a very pleasant first romance which will not end in death and/or mutual enmity" way—is one that begins when he surprise-kisses her.  She had never even considered having a relationship with him prior to that one kiss.  And it's not a creepy kiss, and it does not involve dubious consent (sit DOWN, George), but within the broader scope of all the other surprise-kissing that happens within the Pierce canon, it's all rather troubling.  This could be a your-kink-is-showing thing, in much the same way that all of Pierce’s romantic interests are older*, taller** gentlemen, but either way it would be nice to see it subverted in one of the newer books.  And it would be super to never see any of the oh-I-don’t-want-your-smooches-wait-you-have-pursued-me-long-enough-now-I-like-it crap again.  The Alanna books were and are pretty damn progressive in a lot of ways, but as an adult who has both witnessed and been subject to some pretty terrible predatory behavior in the name of “romance”, I am truly unnerved to reread the scenes I thought were so fucking romantic as an eleven-year-old and realize they are actually sketch as fuck.

Anyway.  Duke Roger is put in charge of the army, and Alanna ends up stationed with Jon by the Drell River Falls, an area of the Valley that’s not due to see much fighting.  Jon is pissed about this.  They are under strict commands by King Roald to avoid crossing the river to reclaim the right bank.  Alanna is pissed about this.  They ride out a day late and it takes them twelve days to reach the Drell River.  Presumably everybody is pissed about this, but not as pissed as Duke Gareth, who is left alone in the Palace to nurse his broken legs and sigh longingly over the hand-painted portrait of Coram he keeps tied to his belt at all times.

How long will it take Duke Roger to start trying to kill Jon and Alanna?  Will George try to invade the Tortallan Army dressed as an ice cream vendor just to give Alanna some more surprise sugar?  Is it just me or is “we want this totally sweet river back, brah” kind of a dumbfuck reason to go to war?  Find out next time in CHAPTER FIVE: BY THE RIVER DRELL, OR, JON IS GAY AGAIN, SOME FIGHTING OCCURS, AND ALANNA MINGLES WITH COMMON FOLK WHO DON’T WANT TO STICK IT IN HER.

* Except Nawat, who is FOUR.  Jesus.

** No exceptions to this rule so far.  I was holding out hope for Kel/Owen, but apparently he is married to one of Wyldon’s daughters.  Tamora Pierce: not a fan of short bros.

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER THREE: THE PRINCE’S SQUIRE, OR, GEORGE GIVES AN UNEXPECTED PRESENT, JONATHAN HAS THE SEX, AND ALANNA IS NEARLY KILLED, AGAIN

It’s the night before Jonathan’s birthday, and the whole Lower City is celebrating.  Alanna (with Faithful) is there visiting George, and the thieves make fun of her for not drinking.  Silly thieves, this is a Tamora Pierce book.  You can only drink in Tamora Pierce books if you are a hilarious alcoholic!

George takes her up to his room and asks about her lessons with Duke Gareth, because he is still employing people at the Palace to watch her every move and for some reason that… isn’t creepy?  I guess?  Okay.  Instead of being disturbed and annoyed, like a reasonable person, Alanna laughs it off and says George should start working as a spy in Tusaine.  George, to her surprise, says he intends on doing just that, and warns her to conceal her source.  He then gives her a package send to him from Thom, which contains a jewel-studded silver mail shirt for Jonathan’s birthday and a letter for her.  In it Thom is his usual dickweed self and says that people have been making inquiries about the two of them in the City of the Gods.  She asks George about it and he says that she has twice been followed into the Lower City by Palace men.  They didn’t make it as far as the marketplace.  I guess that’s one upside to having a known criminal hire thugs to follow you around.

George changes tack suddenly and asks her how old she is.  When she replies that she’s nearly fifteen, he’s like, “Ohohoho, that is marrying age in the Lower City.”  He is really vying for the Tortall’s Creepiest Bachelor award today, isn’t he?  Alanna is suitably freaked out (FINALLY. GOD.) and is like “haha George, I’m not going to get married, please let go of me now!”  George complies and briefly acts like less of a weirdo… until he walks her home and force-kisses her when her hands are full.  She is, again, suitably freaked out and says she should have stabbed him, and he’s all “lol no.”  When he leaves Alanna asks Faithful why he didn’t stop him.  His reply?

I’m not here as a chaperone, the cat replied.  Besides, I didn’t want to interrupt.  You seemed to be enjoying yourself.

Wow.  This did not bother me enough when I was eleven.

The next day there is a big ol’ Court ball for Jonathan’s birthday.  Tortallans, man, any excuse for a party.  Alanna, being the World’s Tiniest Buzzkill, is sulking on a windowsill when Gary finds her and tells her to come meet the new resident hottie.  (Alanna’s automatic response: “I’m too young for girls.” jfc BE GAYER, ALANNA.)  Said hottie is named Delia of Eldorne, and we can immediately tell she is an eeeeevil slut because she has dark hair and is wearing a low-cut green dress instead of the customary white/pastel palette of good, virginal court maidens.

Jonathan is clearly infatuated with her, and she is just as clearly interested in making Alanna uncomfortable/Jon jealous by dancing with our favourite redheaded pipsqueak.  Alanna mentions that she feels “odd” whenever she compliments Jonathan, and Myles—who is, as usual, drunk—notices her jealousy.  He tries to sympathise by telling her that some women like to break up male friendships.  Jeez, if it wasn’t obvious that Myles knows about Alanna’s vagina issue this would sound so much like a kindly open-minded mentor giving his closeted homosexual protégé a pep talk.

The seasons turn, as they are wont to do, and the Tortallan winter is harsh as balls.  Alanna, who hates the cold even more than she hates spiders, remembers the Great Southern Desert in the wistful longing way you remember the best sex of your life.  Speaking of which: she also starts having the sexy thoughts about Jonathan.  Specifically, about crawling into be with him to “warm up,” and by “warm up” we mean “get some hot prince-on-squire action.”  The harsh winter means that Trebond is suffering, and Alanna gets some practice running a fief by sending food and warm clothing up north to relieve her people.  Thom, the actual heir of Trebond, is presumably too busy casting spells and being a dick to bother with that kind of earthly nonsense.

The squires are sent out for an impromptu camping trip in January, and Alanna deals with her hatred of the cold by digging a little snow burrow and warming herself with her Gift.  She takes Faithful with her—seriously? How are her training masters okay with this?—and the two of them chill (heh) for the night until Alanna is randomly attacked by a boar.  When she stabs it it squeals and vanishes.  Someone is definitely trying to kill her with magic, but Alanna refuses to tell anyone, because she has no proof.  Damn, girl, there must be a spell someone can cast to trace this sort of shit—then again, these books were written prior to TPierce’s interest in procedural crime dramas, so maybe not.  In any case, Alanna tells no one, because the Trebond knights are known for their intelligence.

So in addition to the cold, intrusive sexy thoughts, and murderous boar-illusions chasing her down in the forest, Alanna is all cranky about Delia of Eldorne, who is really hot-n-cold and gives Jonathan the boyband feelings.

No, not those.

That's more like it.

Sometimes they bone and sometimes she ignores him and it makes Jonathan impossible to live with.  (He even writes poems.  POEMS.  I’d really love to read one of derpy ol’ Jon’s poems—I’m imagining something like “Delia, oh Delia, you make my young heart feel-ia.”)  The situation is not improved by Delia trying to make Jonathan jealous by making Alanna pay special attention to her at parties.  At one point Jonathan accuses Alanna of “using” Delia to make her masquerade more believable, which, trust me, dude, everyone just thinks she’s gay.

One of the few squires at Court who is not infatuated with Delia is Alex, AKA Duke Roger’s former squire.  As a result Alanna starts hanging out with him more—probably the lack of poetry is a relief—and one day they decide to have a friendly duel.  You know, see which of them is better at killing people with pointed sticks.  Grand, that’ll end beautifully.

(Unrelated: Alanna refers to Alex as her “dark friend,” which both reminds me of The Wheel of Time and strikes me as a wee bit racist.  Damn, Alanna.)

They duel in one of the practice rooms, and in a crazy twist that no one could have seen coming, Alex tries to kill the shit out of Alanna and ends up breaking her collarbone.  The duel is stopped by Myles, which seems to snap Alex out of some kind of trance; he apologizes profusely to Alanna and then leaves.  Myles says that Faithful dragged him from his chambers to the room in which Alex was trying to make Trebond kebab.  Myles and Faithful are both like “yo he was trying to kill you, maybe you should do something about that?”  And Alanna, true to form, is like, “I have no proof.”

Um, okay, maybe you don’t have proof that Alex was put into a trance by Duke Roger and sent to kill you, or whatever, but he broke your collarbone.  And you have a witness (two if you count your talking cat, which maybe you shouldn’t because people might think you are on shrooms).  You definitely have proof that Alex tried to kill you.  Maybe you should, you know, do something about that?

Will Alanna keep being a dumbass?  (Yes.)  Will Jonathan keep channeling JC Chasez?  (Yes.)  Will more people try to kill our pigheaded heroine?  (Is that even a question?)  Find out next time in CHAPTER FOUR: A CRY OF WAR, OR, ALANNA GOES ON A ROAD TRIP AND GETS FORCE-KISSED BY GEORGE AGAIN, JESUS, GEORGE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER TWO: DUKE ROGER OF CONTE, OR, IN WHICH DIPLOMACY IS VERY DIFFICULT, A DUEL IS HELD, AND SYMBOLIC CHESS IS SYMBOLIC

Aw, yeah, shit’s about to get political up in here.

Alanna’s bumping along very happily—Prince’s squire, Goddess-chosen, magical cat, basically living the anime dream—when suddenly a metric fuckton of delegates from neighboring kingdom Tusaine show up to cramp her style.  Apparently the king of Tusaine is considering retaking the Drell River Valley on the border between the two kingdoms, and King Roald hates war so much he is basically considering rolling over and taking it.  Or, like, not taking it.  Letting them do it.  Whatever.  As Jonathan’s squire, Alanna is in the thick of all the diplomatic fol-de-rol, which is why she happens to be at the party where one of the ambassador’s knights, Dain of Melor, pooh poohs Tortallan swordsmanship.  “Fencing!” he sneers.  “I’ve seen what you call ‘fencing.’  Back home we call it dancing!”

The Ambassador of Tusaine, Mikal, apologizes for Dain, but then ruins it by being all “lol you guys sure do suck wrt fencing tho.”  Diplomacy is just really hard, okay?  Everyone is very tense, and there’s this little moment in the background:

“Raoul, standing by the hearth, was shifting slowly into a fighting stance.  His coal-black eyes were snapping with fury, and he gripped his sword hilt with a white-knucled hand… Frantically she signaled Douglass to look at his knight-master.  Her friend hurried over to Raoul and shoved a wineglass into the big knight’s hand, talking softly and quickly.  After a second’s hesitation, Raoul released his hilt with a sigh.”

Given Raoul’s later admission of a drinking problem in his youth, this tidbit is kind of awkward and sad.  How do you stop Raoul from kicking up a stink?  Get him drunk!  A+ squire skills, Douglass.

Jonathan says that even Tortallan pages and squires know how to hold their own against a full knight, and proposes that Dain fence one to see for himself, volunteering Alanna.  Dain blusters a bit about all the duels he’s been in and all the bandits he’s killed and how SHORT Alanna is before finally throwing in the towel and agreeing.  They all retire to the fencing gallery, but not before Alanna turns to look at her good buddy Alex and notices a strange expression on his face—almost as though he's eager.  Could that be important?  Nah, he’s just Duke Roger’s former squire, it’s probably nothing.

Myles is freaked out about the fact that Alanna intends on dueling a man who’s a head taller than she is.  Alanna points out, quite logically, that if she refused to fight people who were taller than her there would be no point in trying for her shield at all.  Faithful advises her to let Dain be stupid and not to get herself killed.  (Oh, yeah, this is how we’re told that Faithful can talk, by the way.  It’s just kind of slipped in there.  I guess once the Goddess herself shows up to give you costume jewelry a talking cat ain’t that big a deal.)  Dain and Alanna stretch and bow, and the duel begins.

Dain is both taller and stronger than Alanna, and spends a lot of time taunting her in hopes that she’ll become unnerved and slip up.  She doesn’t, instead watching his body language and movements for feints and openings.  They both quickly become sweaty and gross, and Alanna tries to wipe her face while Dain recovers from a stumble, thereby giving him the opportunity to lunge at her arm.  He gets first blood, and she’s prepared to sheath her sword since he’s won by the rules, but instead he starts trying to stab her in the chest.  Sporting of him.  Everyone’s yelling “foul!” like it’s a goddamn soccer game and Duke Gareth comes toward them with a sword to try to end it, but Alanna shakes her head to call him off.  You don’t stop Alanna of Trebond from fighting a broski just because he’s trying to stab her in the chest, dude.  She disarms Dain, careful not to slip in her own blood, and tells him that he was stupid and that she’s only not killing him because she’s a better knight than him.  Okay, Alanna, 1) you are not a knight yet and 2) the dude may have tried to stab you in the chest, but before that?  According to the rules of first blood, he WON.  So you’ve basically proved both that Tusaine knights are better swordsmen than their Tortallan counterparts AND that Tortallan knights are too wussy to kill people.  Good show.

Myles comes to Alanna’s room while she’s cleaning up after the duel and asks why she didn’t kill him.  Her response:

“He was stupid.  If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep.”

Snerk.  Myles says that the Ambassador would have understood if she’d killed him, and Alanna says that just because he (Dain) behaved badly is no reason for her (Alanna) to behave badly.  She then gets all teary and asks why Myles is picking on her.  He hugs her and tells her she’s a good lad.  It’s all very Degrassi.

In a very non-Degrassi scene not so very far away, Duke Roger is playing chess with himself and thinking about Alanna.  It’s all very wanky and exposition-y, so let me sum up: the Duke expected Alanna to be easy to control but she’s not; he doesn’t understand why she and Jonathan came back from the Black City; he thinks a god is protecting Jonathan, and possibly Alanna too; and now it turns out that Alanna is ace at waving pointy sticks around, dayum.  His conclusion: He has to find a natural-looking way to kill her before she waves a pointy stick at his face.  And also Jonathan, the King, the Queen, and anyone else who might get in his way.

How many more duels will Alanna have to fight?  Will the conflict with Tusaine escalate?  Why is Duke Roger playing chess by himself, doesn’t he have any friends?  Find out next time in CHAPTER THREE: THE PRINCE’S SQUIRE, OR, GEORGE GIVES AN UNEXPECTED PRESENT, JONATHAN HAS THE SEX, AND ALANNA IS NEARLY KILLED, AGAIN.