Oh, Alanna: the First Adventure. The book that started it all, the book that told us that YES, girls CAN be knights, YES, women ARE strong and capable, YES, writing female-fronted YA fantasy novels IS a lucrative career move. We also learn about menstruation, mysterious desert spirits, and ear collections.
We open in Trebond, a fief in medieval Europe modern Tortall, where Lord Trebond is telling his twin children, Thom and Alanna, that he has made his decision and they need not discuss it. A half page of exposition tells us that the decision in question is the decision to send Thom (a dude) to the royal palace to become a knight and Alanna (a not-dude) to a convent in the north to become a lady. We learn that Thom wants to be a sorcerer, and Alanna wants to be a not-lady. We also learn that the twins are redheads with purple eyes and basically identical, which is not surprising because this is a fantasy novel and all twins in fantasy novels are identical. Why? Because CONVENIENCE, that’s why. They moan about their respective fates for a few sentences- Thom doesn’t want to lean to hit things with sticks, Alanna doesn’t want to learn to put her shoulders back and take small steps, etc- and then BAM, they hit on the idea of changing places. Thom will go to the convent to become a sorcerer (because the Priestesses of the Goddess, conveniently, accept young boys to train as sorcerers until they get old enough to be sent to the Mithran cloisters). Alanna will go to the capital, Corus, as “Alan,” and train as a knight. (They make this decision on remarkably short notice, something I never noticed as a sullen middle school student. Apparently they are going to be sent away the very next day, which, dudes, you wait until now to figure this shit out? Poor planning skills.) In order to pull this off they need to convince two people: Maude, the village healer who trained the both of them in sorcery, and Coram, the sergeant-at-arms who taught them both to hunt and ride. They do not worry about convincing their dad, because their dad is a dipshit who doesn’t care about them and won’t notice if they both disappear. Trebond: We know good parenting.
The twins go to see Maude to ask for her help, and she broods for a few paagraphs. She knows that both twins have the Gift of magic and also knows that they are both way more powerful than she is; however, while Thom loves magic and wants to devote the rest of his life to fighting demons and casting spells and raising the dead to make his sister’s life a little more complicated than it already is, Alanna hates magic and has to basically be pistol-whipped into trying new spells. Polar opposites, those two. Like the goddamn Odd Couple. With this in mind, Maude casts a spell to see the future in her hearth fire and find out if she should encourage them or send them back to their chambers without gruel or whatever they eat in Trebond. When she does this Alanna has a vision of a dark city in the fire (even though Maude is the only person who’s supposed to See anything with this particular spell) and feels a sudden overwhelming rush of fear for no apparent reason. This is only the first of many sudden overwhelming rushes of feeling over the course of the quartet. Whatever Maude sees in the fire (could it be… DESTINY???) convinces her to help them. The twins are appropriately psyched.
The next day (seriously, dudes, POOR PLANNING SKILLS) Thom forges two letters (one for Thom to go to the convent, one for “Alan” at the Royal Palace), while Maude cuts Alanna’s hair and gives her a lecture on learning to use her magic to heal as compensation for all the killing she plans on doing. Alanna’s like “lol whatevs, magic is for cocks.” She (Maude) also hints that she (Alanna) is somehow touched by the gods. Bet that won’t be important later in the series.
Alanna, with her hood up to pass as Thom (apparently Coram and Maude are the only people who can ever tell them apart facially), starts to ride south with Coram, while Thom goes north with Maude. He is wearing skirts because he needs to pass as Alanna long enough to fool Coram, the villagers, and their father, who might be watching from a window or something. Haha, like Lord Trebond would bother watching his children ride away forever. He’s got BOOKS to read, yo. Alanna keeps her hood up until she and Coram are miles away from the castle, at which point she’s all TRUTHBOMB I’M ALANNA AND I’M GOING TO BE A KNIGHT BECAUSE OF ~DESTINY ALSO PASS THE BREAD PLEASE. Coram, who is a burly salt o’ the earth type, freaks out and tells her he is going to send her back and tell her father. Dude, he won’t care, we just went over this. Alanna tells him that if he tries to send her back she will make him see visions for the rest of his life. Since Coram has a crippling fear of magic and all magic-related things, this does not go over well. She has also filled his travel flask with fine brandy, because Coram is a drunk and she is wily. He broods about things for a while- she’s a girl! But she’s good at hunting and archery and knight stuff! But it’s illegal or something! But Thom would be, like, the shittiest knight ever and also he never stops whining! But what if someone finds out! But ~destiny! Etc- and keeps a-pullin’ on the brandy flask, and by the time they stop in at a roadside inn later that night he is smashed. The next morning’s hangover convinces him to go along with the whole thing because his head hurts, dammit.
It must be absurdly easy to make Coram do stuff if all you have to do is wait for the hangover. Bro’s drunk like all the time.
They make it to Corus, and it’s all very new and magical for country mouse Alanna, who goggles like a bush baby at all the people and the stuff and the one dude with the big nose and hazel eyes who winks at her before disappearing. Coram tells her that he is a thief, and she has trouble believing it because he seems so nice. Oh, bb, just you wait. She and Coram make their way to the Palace, where their horses are taken by Stefan the hostler (we know he’ll be important later because he gets an actual name) and they are sent in to see Duke Gareth of Naxen, the page training master who Coram has apparently met before. I wonder what he made Coram do hungover.
Will Alanna successfully complete her training? What challenges will her new life at the Palace bring? Did I just make a gay joke about Coram and Duke Gareth? Find out in the next chapter, THE NEW PAGE, OR, IN WHICH WE MEET THAT THIEF GUY AGAIN, LEARN ABOUT THE TORTALLAN CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD, AND FIND OUT THAT SCHOOL IS REALLY HARD, YOU GUYS.
Oh hell, now I want to read these books again..!
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